Expert: Druideck - 11/10/2008

Question
My husband has been sober for almost 9 years, In may (our sons college graduation) he had a few beers.  MY thinking well only a few and not to cause a seen said nothing.  Recently I found out he has been drinking (hiding it) again. He drinks NA beers and when I am home he drinks that and when I am not he has regular beer.  We sort of talked about it....He actually  he did stating that he can drink both and he is to old to hide it and he I should be okay with that.  Well, I am not fine with it.  It took me years to overcome the guilt and co=dependency issues.  I feel that it is just a matter of time before it is a every night thing.  I have given him the "I  am going to leave if your ever start drinking again"  I guess he is calling my card.  Any suggestions?

Answer
Joleen,

the questions to ask are "does his drinking
cause family problems, financial problems,
legal problems or health problems?"
Also "why did he quit drinking 9 years
ago?" Was he involved in any alcohol
treatment, counselling or AA program?

Alcoholism is an illness of dependence
on alcohol. If an alcoholic gets involved
in recovery and abstains from alcohol
he can do well. If he begins to drink
again he ends up very quickly back at
the point where he quit drinking.
All the same thought patterns return
such as denial and justifying his
desire to drink again.

This is a bad road to head down and
you can only accept his decision to drink
or make a decision to stand behind
your threats to leave if he continues.
This can turn into a game of threats to leave
and promises to get sober which neither
will really do until much pain is involved.

He may be unable to choose you or drinking
if he is an alcoholic as alcoholics have
lost the power to choose and are slaves
to alcohols demands. Addicts always choose
to drink whether they want to or not.
They need treatment and recovery programs
to abstain permanently.

Without seeking help he will likely
continue to drink.
You can extract promises from him but
he will likely just hide his drinking from you
rather than keep the promises.

Detach now and let him live as he wants
or make your position clear and then
keep firm on doing what you decide to do
if he continues to drink.

Don't say things unless you are really
going to follow through. Don't play the
game, get help for yourself if you need it.
There is Al-Anon and your local alcohol family counselling
agencies that can help.