Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/21/2008

Question
I will try to make this as to the point as possible. I have a brother that is an alcholic but does not think he has a problem. He has recently lost his family, his job and been incarcerated. He has some programs he needs to complete in order to see his children and he is doing what he needs to do to complete them, however, it is only a front. My question, I have given him rides to court, to the unemployment office, probation etc.. Some people tell me that I am enabling him by doing these things. I have not and will not give him money, alcohol or drive him to anywhere to drink. Even though he continues to drink, is helping him out with things other than means to drink enabling? I have some people telling me, I should not speak with him or have contact with him until he gives up the drinking. Any thoughts you can give will be appreciated.
Confused

Answer
Hi Terry,

There are two theories on enabling and I'm sure you've heard the 1st one: Don't do anything unless the alcoholic takes care of the alcohol problem first.

The second is: help - but with nothing related to drink. The problem here is that everything can be alcohol related. eg. If he's been drinking the night before he may be getting up late for court etc. and then he relies on your lift.  

An alcoholic is manipulative and will apply pressure to whom they can. In your case it's lifts, with others it's food etc. Money, drink is an absolute no - but if you choose to give him rides use the lift to demand that he goes to AA meetings. He'll probably be angry, but ignore it. This is his manipulation to get you to stop talking about recovery.

If he's not open to AA meetings, you can suggest that his parole officer can recommend where he can get addiction counseling or rehab.
You can also give him the tests that are on my site:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-abuse.html This may show him that he's an alcoholic and slowly break his denial.

As a family member of an alcoholic, it would be helpful to go to Al Anon and get support from others in similar situations.

It may not be in your nature not to speak to your brother, but although he plays the victim, don't feel sorry for him. Stand firm and use every opportunity to demand that he get help.

Hope this is helpful
Best of luck!!

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com