Expert: Druideck - 11/5/2008

Question
Hello

I have read many of the articles online and have just left my partner for a second time in eight months and there was probably a number of other times that I should have left him. I am completely confused I sold my home and moved into a rental with him....in the hope that we would save and buy a place together. I have moved here from Australia and have no family or friends to be with. I am very scared lost and confused and am staying with some friends of his who know his condition. I do not know what to do as at times I would have been considered the 'enabler' and yet i have really made the concerted effort to not do that after I sought help yet i still want to go back.....I really do know all the bad connotations to this destructive behaviour, however why does the heart overwhelm me with a desire to go back to him, as I have done so many times before. Everyone I speak to says how amazing he is 95% of the time....it's the dangerous 5% that i know means i have to leave. This point of removing myself from this situation is so very difficult. He spent eight hours on building me a gift today for our anniversary and when I came home from work a little late because some of my engineers that report to me were in town from out of country   he smashed it to pieces in front of me because i didn't show him enough attention in the fifteen minutes I had been home.
I do love this man. I am currently carrying his child and i do not know where to turn without my family or friends here.

Please help and teach me in this time of complete confusion.

Thank you

Answer
Therese,

I understand how confusing it is to be torn
in different directions at the same time.
It is not an easy thing to understand alcoholism
and it is not easy to leave someone you have
strong feelings for.

It can be difficult to carry on a relationship
with a man that is most likely going to
spiral downwards if he does not seek counselling
and/or treatment for his drinking and it's
resulting poor behaviours.

You can not cure, stop or affect his
decision to seek help. This is an illness
that affects a person mentally, emotionally
spiritually and physically.
I hear you say you want to build a future
with him but as alcoholism progresses that
will become less and less possible.

If he seeks recovery he may not have the
same qualities that keep you attracted to him.
I would suggest that you have developed
a relationship addiciton and are
somewhat drawn to his unpredictable and
exciting nature. He may be a great guy
in other ways as well but the highs and
lows can be very magnetic.

The promise and hope that you can someday
make or have him become everything you want
and desire keeps you hooked, but that
day never comes. It is a painful spiral
and he may become more and more needy,
demanding and violently jealous.

If you truly want a future with him,
make a rule to accept him only if
he seeks alcoholism treatment or
at least counselling.

If you bend this rule the "game" will continue
until you have some real big trouble and
break up permanently.
The way you both behave feeds off
each other, these are patterns
that you both have learned well.
The pattern has to stop to get help
and start building an easy,mature,loving
relationship.

His first step to true recovery is to talk
to an alcohol counseller and be honest about
his drinking and his overreactions related
to his neediness.

You must see this is not a mature
reaction he is having by smashing things
to hurt you. This is the act of a man that
has not grown emotionally because
he has used drinking as a support to get
through life.

Once we sober up we start to grow the way
we should have normally.
This is a hard thing to do and takes years
of recovery to accomplish.
You may have issues in your past home life
that keeps you overresponsible and trying to
"fix" him by various means.

I suggest counselling for you as well to understand
what alcoholism has done to you.
There is also Al-Anon meetings to help you
understand alcoholism.

Don't wait for him to recover as that is his
responsibility. You need to work on your
own self and then whether you stay or leave
will take care of itself.
A great start is get any of Robin Norwood's
books on relationship addictions,
They are called "Women who love too much"
and "Letters from women who love too much"
This is a good path to a new life with true
love and happiness for you.

You are not responsible to fill the neediness
he has. No person has that capacity and
no amount of love is enough for an alcoholic/addict.

Take care,
Druideck