Expert: Clyde - 11/2/2008

Question
Hi,
I have told my alcoholic partner that I can no longer be in a relationship with him until he gets help with his drinking.  But I told him I would be his friend because I know he is really sick.  He has admitted to being an alcoholic, but he has had treatment in the past that obviously didn't work. I sense that he wants to get better, but just can't seem to find the courage to get help again.  He will still live here because he doesn't have the means to be on his own; but I'm not sure how that is going to work out.  In the past I think I was being selfish and wanted him to quit drinking for me, so I could have that perfect relationship; I took everything so personally.  But now I know that he doesn't drink to make me miserable; it's just an illness that has stemmed from his suffering as a child and years of conditioning.  More than anything I would like for him to quit for him and I want to be supportive as a friend right now.  But I can't help but wonder if I am doing the right thing but letting him stay in my house.  I know he has nowhere to go, and I don't want to contribute to making his disease worse. However, I still feel like I'm being his comfort zone, somewhere to fall.  Any advice would be great, thanks for listening.

Tracey

Answer
Tracey,
     Thank you for your question regarding the future with the partner.  It could very easily fall into the category of "enabling" this person to allow him to stay with you even though you are in effect breaking the relationship off but willing to be his friend.

     My suggestion is this: Tell him there will be groundrules in this new phase of your relationship. Those being NO drinking in the home and NO drunkenness displayed.  You can add whatever you would like to add as a groundrule because it is your home, not his.  You should not share a bedroom as he needs to know there are consequences to not making every effort to surmount the fear of getting help.  

     He is probably nervous and ashamed to admit that he is an alcoholic and that he needs help.  Oftentimes someone will attend a couple of meetings and there is just not a comfort there for some reason.  In this case, the alcoholic who really wants to experience true sobriety should not stop going to meetings but go to a variety of them and find one that seems to fit their situation.  I do not mean to shop around to get the right feel, but only to find a place where one feels they can share openly and honestly and find a good sponsor.  Then they can begin to do this thing called sobriety for themselves, no one else.

    I digressed a little in my suggestions, so back to that...
He needs to know and hear very loudly that you are making the arrangement for him to remain with you ONLY for the short term.  He must learn to fend for himself even it means going to an Oxford house, a home for addicts/alcoholics who really have no place to go.  He must face the situation alone. Only then will he be forced to survive.

    You need to keep in mind that you did not cause his alcoholism; you cannot cure his alcoholism; and you cannot control it either.  Thus, although it will be hard to face a loss, the hard thing to realize is that he may not survive and in that case, it is not your fault.

    Hope this helps and write again if I can be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde