Expert: Clyde - 11/17/2008

Question
Hi

I do not know where to turn.  I feel like running away.  I have been with my husband for 22 years.  We were childhood sweethearts.  My husband has always had an addictive personality.  He has always been the more domineering partner.   He has had problems throught the years with all sorts of drugs acid, e's, speed.  He does not take any of these drugs anymore but has a alchol problem and sometimes a cocaine problem.  He feels that because he goes to work and puts money on the table and because he does not need a drink first thing in the morning he is not alchol depentent.  He drinks everyday. maybe the odd day he will not drink because he will say that I am moaning about his drinking.  He promises that he will not go to the pub and then always slips back into the habit.  Always excuses.  Got to meet someone about a job.  If I say anything.  He will say that how builders do things, they talk about things over a drink.  He tells me that he has only had a couple of pints but to me he seems to have had more.  He is a very aggressive person when he has had a drink.  The whole house suffers.  My two older children want him out of our house.  He picks on everybodies weaknesses when he is drunk and takes great pleasure in telling us all about them.  He does not care who else is in the house.  We have a 3 year old daughter who has started to says things like daddy naughty because there always seems to be conflict in the house.  He is also violent when he is really drunk and will not remeber things the next day.  He smashes things and lashes out.  My son is a gentle boy who has just turned 18 and he has started to reflect his anger at him.  He has left the house before but will always minupulate us to get back in.  He also will climb in windows.  He keeps telling me that if he leaves he will not be able to help himself.  Or we will never see him again.  I do not know what to do but I can not carry on.  this is destroying my family.

Please help

Answer
Kathryn,
  Thank you for your story and letting me know some of the situation.   I can feel your pain and your hurt and frustration.  Alcoholism will do that to one's life.

  Alcoholism is not a singular disease.  It affects all those who come in contact with the one who is struggling with the substance.  These are sick people who do not know they are suffering from a disease.  As you stated, they fall back into the "habit" because that is what seems normal and natural.  They have learned that alcohol and drugs offer some sort of relieve from life's drudgery, or pain or, and more importantly, fears.  Only the person who is suffering can know for sure and it may takes years for the recovering person to really get close to the fears that lurk deep inside the soul.

   About all I can offer to you is to say that your husband is not a bad person, father, or husband.  He is in the grip of a progressive disease which only gets worse, never better.  It is not a moral issue so he is not bad for drinking.  It is a physical allergy of the body (cravings for alcohol) and a mental obsession (it becomes the only way one knows how to live).  They are sick.

   If you are a praying person, pray for him that he may hit some sort of "bottom" - some sort of place in his life where he becomes willing to look at life in a new way.  It often takes tragedy or trauma to do this, unfortunate but true.  And in those prayers lift up his soul to God that he may see what he is doing to you and the family.  

   In those moments of vulnerability that he may show to you on occasion, tell him this, " _____, you are a good person.  Why do you continue to do this to yourself?"  Leave it at that.  Do not interject yourself or your children into the conversation.  He needs to hear that you are concerned about him, and nothing else matters at the time.

   I'll hold you in my prayers that this situation will turn around.  It will be a God thing - not a manmade event.

   One last thought, you are in the same boat as millions and millions of people so keep them in your prayers as well.  Your situation may change but think about the poor woman whose life will not be changed.  Sort of a sobering thought.....

   I hope this helps and write anytime.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde