Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 11/16/2008

Question
Hello, My husband and I have been married for a year and a half but together for five years. Over this period of time there have been many occasions when alcohol as interfered with our life. My husband does not drink everyday and may go a week, two weeks or a month without a drink. But, when he does drink it is completely out of control. He does not know when to stop and often times when he drinks he will not come home and not call me at all to let me know where he is or what he is doing. He will sleep in his car so he does not have to drive. He had a DUI a year ago and still believes he is not an alcoholic because he does not drink everyday or wakes up drinking, as that is his impression of an alcoholic. I can count a handful of times that he has been able to control his drinking in the five years we have been together. After something happens with his drinking he will admit he has a problem, needs some sort of help but never admit to being an alcoholic. My question is: is he and alcoholic and if so then what can I do to help him see that this will destroy our relationship and our family?

Answer
Hello Tiffany,
It's great that you are asking for help with this issue; I know that is hard to do. Although I always hesitate to make a long distance diagnosis, here are the indicators of alcoholism in your husband that I see from your description: a pattern of concerns from a significant other that her spouse has a problem; loss of control when he drinks; behavior out of character for the person (not coming home, etc.); history of driving under the influence; inability to control amounts and consequences over a substantial period of time; and continued use in the face of adverse consequences. To be an alcoholic, a persn does not have to be physically dependent on alcohol and drink every day. It's what happens when he DOES drink. My advice is for you to work toward the goal of being able to tell your husband (when he is sober, assuming no violence issues) something along these lines: that you will no longer tolerate his drinking; that you cannot bear to watch him destroying himself and your relationship through his drinking, and that in order for the relationship to continue he must stop drinking, get professional help, and go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I know that you may not be able to take that position now. So, I recommend you attend Al-Anon meetings for support (tell your husband when he is sober what your are doing, if there is no violence issue) and information on how to help yourself and not to enable your husband's drinking behaviors. Check out the Al-Anon website: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ More help is available on my website. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com