Expert: Druideck - 11/17/2008

Question
I am in love with my husband and it is so hard for me to walk away from our relationship.  I've tried 4 times now, but I just keeping coming back and at the root of the issue is alcholo.  My husband is 13 (he's 39 and I'm 26) years older then me and we've been married now for 6 years.  When I met him he said he didn't drink despite the occasional glass of wine now and then.  I soon learned after we were married that this was hardly the case as he had several DUI's and a suspended drivers lisnces because of it.  

The first time I left I took our daughter with me, he said he went to AA meetings to get help.  But that was just one meeting.  I went back and we saw a marriage councler and My husband was put on Antabuse. It worked really well.  I made sure he was taking it and then when it ran out he said he didn't need it anymore.  He started drinking again 2 months after that.  It started with just one beer, then turned into a six pack.  

A little more then a year later, he was drunk one day when I came home from work and was watching our 2 year old daughter.  I was fed up with his drinking, that I called my parents.  A fight insued over the phone which he won, he literally threw me out of the house, so I went next door and called the cops.  The cops arrested ME becuase my husband said he was afraid of me.  While in jail he told me he was taking antabuse again, which I found out to be a lie becuase I caught him drinking when I was released.  I had to wait for my trial which the case was dismissed becuase the judge saw just how much of a jerk he really was.

3 months after that, he called the cops again after he had been drinking and told them I punched him.  I was already packing and trying to leave and he was trying to get me arrested so I would have to stay in the state.   The cops told me to get somethings and gather our daughter and stay at a hotel for the night.  I did, and left for what I thought would be the last time.

6 months later we got back together, but this time we were in my home state close to my parents.  And he starts drinking again.  I left a few weeks ago, becuase he drank 1.5 liters of tequilla by himself and things got very out of hand.  I went back becuase he had taken off with our daughter the next day.  Halloween came and went and he was completely drunk and drinking MORE tequilla.  He said he would stop drinking, but I've been finding beer in our garbage can outside.  And I've had enough of it.  He stormed out eariler today upset becuase I turn his music down a touch when he came back he was all happy and started doing a buzzed ramble on friendship and our relationship, then he wanted to rough-house.  I smelled it on his breath, but just to make sure I pinned him on the floor and leaned in real close trying to kiss him to get a better smell of his breath.  He held his breath until he turned red then pushed me off and ran away real quick before he exhaled.  After about 30 mins, he got upset at me for something then stormed off to bed at 8pm.  And just passed out.  I went out to our trash and sure enough he downed two 24 ounce beers in the hour he was gone.  I took our daughter and when over to my parents house, where I am typing this now.  

It doesn't help that even when he's not drinking he has drastic mood swings, he'll be extremely happy to the point it's down right annoying then at a flip of a switch he'll be down right ruthless and upset about something.  It's making me down right crazy.

I am completely in love with my husband, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.  He will not get help, he won't even listen to me.  What should I do?

Answer
April,

it is hard to have a relationship
under "normal" conditions.
By normal I mean two mentally and
emotionally mature persons.

Alcoholism prevents the usual development
that a person would experience if they
were sober. This means they go downhill
mentally, emotionally, and usually
physically and spiritually as well.
No relationship can work under these
declining conditions.

I see a pattern of you being attracted
to repeat your involvement with your
husband and his problem even after
leaving many times in one way or another.
Are you attracted to him or the drama
and excitement involved?

It also sounds to me like you are
obscessed with contolling him or his
alcoholism both of which are not
controllable by any person.

Alcoholics can not be fixed by another
person no matter how much they leave
or threaten or how many promises the
alcoholic makes to stop drinking.
No amount of love, sex or making
deals can stop an illness.
He has to be the one to get help
for himself by counselling, treatment/rehab,
and many AA meetings for sure.

You don't necessarily have to leave
but it will be difficult for you or
he to start recovering from this circus
of behaviours while you are together.
It may be time to start healing
yourself and taking the focus off
of the alcoholic.

You must address your own desire to
keep playing this game with him
while he slowly dies from his alcoholism.

Trying to catch him drinking
or stop him from drinking or any other
behaviour that involves "fixing" him
goes on he keeps reacting by being "bad"
and drinking in secret.

He is fighting to live how he wants to live
and you are trying to change him,
right or wrong.
He may seek recovery and become a much less
exciting man sober or he may die drunk.
Either way all you need to do is start
living your own life whether you stay
or you leave.

My wife left me and she saved my life as I had
to face myself finally without blaming her.
I sought recovery and sobriety and peace of mind.
It was very hard to let go but sometimes
that is what is best no matter how it feels.

Read Robin Norwood's books on "Women who love too much"
They are excellent for women that keep going
back to men when they know it isn't working.
This is relationship addiction and can be
very painful unless addressed and lifestyle
changes are made.

I am long winded but maybe something will
ring a bell for you.
Good luck!