Expert: Rebos - 11/1/2008

Question
Hi, I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. It has been very difficult. I have read some of the posts, and the problems I have been experiencing are no different than many others. His alcoholism has taken a toll on my mental health. It has taken a long time, but my husband just recently went to a 45 day rehab. We spent a week in counselling together. He had been sober for 100 days or so, but he relapsed yesterday and is gone on a binge. His binges last between 2 to 7 days. Once again I find myself stuck in predicaments created by my husband, and I need to learn how to manage certain situations. I intend to start going to AL-Anon...can they give me some "tools" and specific ways in which I can deal with my husband? Some of the literature says that I am not to feel guilty about my husbands' actions, and to let the full brunt of the consequences fall on him. However, I still get stuck in the middle of everything it seems, and have to "clean up the mess". What do I say to people when they call or come over looking for him because he was supposed to do something for them or with them? I get put on the spot, and don't know what to say or do without "enabling". I feel like leaving the house, and not answering the phone...I really don't want to deal with these people. What can I say to get them off my back? What can I constructively say to my husband after he comes off his binge? Our relapse program stated that he would be unable to come home after he had a relapse; he has to stay at a friends house until he sobers up, so I don't know when I will even see him, next. Until then, I feel like I'm on call. We own and manage a trucking company together, so I am really on the hook for everything that he was scheduled to do this upcoming week. I have so many people to face and try to deal with. I'm overwhelmed and on the brink of falling apart. I am not sure how to set something up so this doesn't happen to me agin -hire a manager?
Also, my husband did not regularily attend AA meetings when he left his re-hab center. He had some "mini" meetings over the phone, only. Do I have a right to insist that he go to meetings, and if so how many? What kind of consequences can I set up if he doesn't go? Is there any consequences or boundaries that I can insist on without trying to control his behavior? I really feel like he has been trying to get well, I know there will be relapses, I am trying to be patient with him and I will not get angry at him. How can I convey my feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment to him in a positive way? Thank-you for your help. And to those of you out there going through an alcoholic marriage-be prepared. Get help for yourself right away; it could save you years and years of enabling and making things worse.

Answer
Good afternoon Darla and thank you for your question. What are you willing to do to save you’re your husband’s life? Is it more important for you to keep your company afloat as you have continually taken on the responsibility for it, or are you willing to wash your hands of the responsibility? You have been enabling him for a long, long time, and it’s about time that you stop trying to run the show. By you continuing to run the company you are in a back handed way giving him permission to continue drinking! Alcoholism is a terminal disease and your husband is destined to die a drunk’s death if he continues on the path of his active alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease of denial and your husband is in denial about the truth of his situation. I can’t stress upon you enough that you should never make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with! You should get yourself to Alanon as soon as possible… he will, if YOU allow him to … drag you down with him! He has got to want to stay sober because HE wants to not because you want him to. Thank you Rebos