Expert: Amarnath.B - 11/1/2008

Question
My ex and I where together for 2+ yrs.He had a drinking problem before we met but had been sober for 4yrs. shortly after his brother got 2 duis and spent 6mnth in jail no lisence for 5yrs. when his brother got out he started drinking heavier then befor. this bothered my boyfriend a great deal. soon he began to drink again. we broke up because he became irritated at everything. he numbed his feelings for me.they are ACoA. 3 weeks ago my ex got his 3rd dui. 2weeks ago he stopped drinking. i told him he had a problem weeks before the dui and we faught because of his driving drunk. now his mood has started to improve dramaticaly. hes getting back to the fun joke man i new. i believe he still loves me deep inside largly due to his jealous re action to my talking to a male friend one night and the kiss he gave me after that fight. can his feelings for me come back now that hes sober?

Answer
Hello Holly,

This is a rather difficult question to answer.  Nevertheless, I shall try but from my perspective.  

Most alcoholics suffer from low self-esteem and also low self-worth.  Rejection is one of the major triggers of relapse.  Jealousy is also a major trait in an alcoholic. That is the main reason why alcoholics cannot sustain a relationship.  They are always in doubt.  Doubts that the other person is cheating on them or the other person does not love them enough, so on and so forth.  Years of soul searching and leading a spiritual life can only make an alcoholic stronger & ready for a relationship. Alcoholics turn out to be the nicest people on earth when they are sober.  A great person (Mother Theresa) once said that alcoholics/addicts are one of the most beautiful people that walked on this earth when they are not under the influence of any substance. But, to be a near normal person takes a long time for an alcoholic.  Like I said, years of leading a sober life not just physically but sobriety should be in thoughts, words, and deeds, will make a person strong and ready for a relationship.  Also remember, most alcoholics when they come back to sobriety, the first thing they look for is security...a shoulder to lean on because most of us are always insecure.

Now Holly, ask yourself this question?  Are you ready for a relationship with an alcoholic again? Can your feelings for him come back? Don't you have a life ahead of your own? Don't you want to move on? Don't you think that you need quality time for yourself to sit back and think if you should ever get back into this relationship or shouldn't you wait for sometime till your ex becomes stronger?  Don't you think you deserve a better life than this? Always in doubt, always in fear when your partner will go back to drinking?

I think it's time that you did a little bit of soul searching and find the answers for yourself.  

I never advise but I can only suggest.  It is left to you to either take it or leave it.  Like I said this is only my perception.  But I will always wish you the best in life and pray that God will shower his graces on you in abundance.  I shall also pray for your boyfriend's sobriety.


God bless


Amarnath