Expert: Clyde - 11/19/2008

Question
I am 25 years old i started drinking when i was 18 years old. I always been the life of the party and i was the guy that could pound down the most and i was the one that liked to get everyone involved even when they didnt want to.

Well im at the stage in life that i just finished college, i moved in with my girlfriend over a year ago, im paying off all my bills, and trying to work two jobs. I am all about looking at the future. We started to save for a house and a new car. She is also going to school mostly because i encouraged her that being a waitress at 40 isnt a good path for us. When i met her i was drinking and being with friends 5-7 days a week. I went from that to maybe once or twice. On my birthday i blacked out very bad! I been blacking out. So i decided to go to AA. I quit going after a little over a month. I thought about everything they said and i never had a huge urge to drink. Then i would have a few during the game, then a few weeks later we had a few bottles during the game.

I did well though for the past three months even though we been going out and doing things we did before. Our relationship has improved and everything was going in the right direction.

On saturday I had a family function and we drank all day. I was mad because she didnt call me all day. So when i drink like that i never let that go. I love my GF to death and i want to marry her, but having anger towards her is coming from nothin.

She was really drunk too on saturday and we went outside and she was trying to get the keys from me, I was saying alot of bad things and when things got out of hand i shoved her then she started to fight with me. I dont remember anything.

Now im at the point that she kicked me out and furious about the whole situation. Im like im done! I was doing well and thought i can just have a few drinks now i want to quit for good. I already found some new AA meetings to attend, I spoke to about five people that have quit and asked them for advice. I also got two of my friends to quit with me and start doing other things, we started a work out routine yesterday.

Im not really religious anymore but i was also thinking of going to church routinly. Trying to use all angles to kick this in the butt! I dont have huge urges. I can stop myself from drinking its just the fact i cant stop when i start.

I spoke to her for an hour last night. I miss her so much and want to come home i told her everything im gonna do. She doesnt believe me and i feel like she is just giving up on me when she should be there for me. She feels that doing this to me will force me to fix this issue. I have plans on what to do with me, now i dont have a plan on how to fix things with us. Im stuck and i really wish none of this happened. I just dont know how i got to this point.

Please help!

Answer
Jose,
   Thank you for the insight into your situation.  I commend you for wanting to do this for YOU.  You can not get sober for anyone else but yourself.  It doesn't matter what anyone else does or says or does not do or does not say - hence the girlfriend situation is just not relevant to your sobriety.  You either want this thing or you don't.

   I hope you do want it and you are doing some really positive things to get this sobriety off the right start.  You are finding meetings of AA to attend and I assume these five people you mentioned are recovering people as well. That is good.

   You can do the most good by making a decision to give over your problem with alcohol to a Higher Power, whomever you choose to call Him or Her.  But that entity is in control of your life from this day forward.  The Big Book says, "wife or no wife; job or no job" we don't drink.  Therefore, girlfriend or no girlfriend, you must not drink.  If you have difficulty with a God concept right now, I suggest that you make the group of AA you attend as that Higher Power for now and share in those meetings from the heart and ask for suggestions often.  If you will bring up topics that are pertinent to your daily life, you'll have some input from others as to what to do.

    I suggest you get a sponsor today - don't put it off - make the decision as you read this to do it today.  I suggest that you read the Big Book if you haven't already; I suggest that you begin working the steps today; I suggest that you make a decision to get past step 5 by the end of the year; I suggest that you do all these things sober.

     I suggest that you go back to the meetings you had been attending and own up to slipping.  You do not need to go back regularly but I want to let you know it is important that you be absolutely honest with yourself right now.  Your admitting to those people holds you accountable and you are not running from the truth.  Tell them you slipped and you are attending other meetings.

     The friends that have joined you is OK but their participation should not hinder your daily decision not to drink.  The working out routine is a good one and I commend you for it.  Put together a schedule that fits your life style and that is manageable.  Do not overdo the "new" things in your life right now. You'll need to just take it slow and don't drink.

     The girl friend situation is the last item you should be concerned about.  Leave her alone and just work on you.  I know it is lonely and you want the closeness but it is secondary to all these other priorities.  She does not trust you and guess what the best way to build that trust? - do these things you need to stay sober, leave her alone, and she will come back to you if that is what your Higher Power believes would be best.  

    Remember, you are not on Jose's schedule for all these things.  You are following the lead of your Higher Power.

    I hope this helps and write anytime.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde