Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 11/14/2008

Question
Hello and thank you for taking my question.  My husband is an alcoholic and attended AA meetings 5 days a weeks for several months. He recently celebrated his 6-month anniversary.  However, the last few weeks, he has started buying wine again and having a few glasses a few times a week.  He says he enjoys it.  Because I have lived with his disease for more than 12 years, I get worried and overreact (internally) by his behavior.  Maybe because so many times I've been embarassed or mad with him. We moved a few months ago and he started going to a new AA group.  I have NOT been supportive of AA because it seems it always interrupts our evening.  We have small children and it seems a convenient way to get out of the house when I need help the most. Not only that but I feel that when he goes and comes home, it's almost like an excuse for all the years of crap I put up with him. We don't talk about it, I don't know what happens at the meetings and I just get mad because it's such a sensitive subject with me and brings back LOTS of horrible memories and it just seems that all should be forgiven because he has a disease and to get over it and live happily every after. He may be feeling better about himself, and I think he is doing it for us, but for me, it just brings feeling to surface, if that makes any sense.  

He stopped going after a few meetings, even though he liked it, basically because of me and how mad I would be at him for going.  What's MY problem?  Why can't I be supportive and understanding because I know the benefits of him going and having the support help his addiction. I'm the one with the problem.  Selfishness?  Jealousy?  Anger?  Are these feelings I can get over?

Because he's started having a glass of wine here and there, do I have a fit and send him back to AA, knowing how I really feel about it?  He's always been a self-centered person and AA helps him with that by making it all about him.  

I love my husband. But then again, I'm not supporting him. What do I do?  

Answer
Greetings to you, Tracy.

First and overall, please read the chapter “To Wives”, in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.  You can find it here in PDF format: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm .
In addition to my own response to your letter, you will find much insight and many helpful answers there ... and I will gladly try to help you with any additional questions that come up.

You have written:

>> My husband is an alcoholic and attended AA meetings ...
>> However, the last few weeks, he has started buying wine again ...
>> I get worried and overreact (internally) by his behavior.

If your husband truly is an alcoholic, both of you need a better understanding of alcoholism if he is to ever find a real and permanent solution.  Alcoholism has a physical side making it impossible for the alcoholic to ever drink safely, and there is no way for that to ever be fixed.  However, the alcoholic also has a mental obsession for the effect he or she gets from just a few drinks ... and a spiritual transformation is required if the alcoholic to ever be free of that deadly dilemma: S/He cannot drink safely, and neither can s/he leave alcohol alone.  As those primary factors come to be understood, your present struggles can take on new meanings compatible with both his and your eventual wellness.

You have written:

>> I have NOT been supportive of AA because it seems it always interrupts our evening.

To a certain extent, begin to look at all of this as if he had cancer and had to be away for treatments.

>> We have small children and it seems a convenient way to get out of the house when I need help the most.

That is why I say “to a certain extent”, yet he still must do whatever needs to be done for at least a little while.

>> Not only that but I feel that when he goes and comes home, it's almost like an excuse for all the years of crap I put up with him.

I understand, and that is because he has yet to receive the kind of help that will ultimately make him aware of his need for accountability.

>> We don't talk about it, I don't know what happens at the meetings and I just get mad because it's such a sensitive subject with me and brings back LOTS of horrible memories and it just seems that all should be forgiven because he has a disease and to get over it and live happily every after.

If he ever truly embraces a real solution, that will change.

>> He may be feeling better about himself, and I think he is doing it for us, but for me, it just brings feeling to surface, if that makes any sense.

Yes, it does.

>> He stopped going after a few meetings, even though he liked it, basically because of me and how mad I would be at him for going.  What's MY problem?

At least in part, you do not yet understand chronic alcoholism and what is required to bring about permanent recovery.

>> Why can't I be supportive and understanding because I know the benefits of him going and having the support help his addiction.  I'm the one with the problem.  Selfishness?  Jealousy?  Anger?  Are these feelings I can get over?

Yes, all of those and possibly more, and yes, there is a way for you to get over them.

>> Because he's started having a glass of wine here and there, do I have a fit and send him back to AA, knowing how I really feel about it?

After reading the chapter “To Wives”, you might carefully and quietly ask him a little about how well his attempts at controlled drinking are going.  However, you do need to be very careful about avoiding any kind of manipulative behaviour.

>> He's always been a self-centered person and AA helps him with that by making it all about him.

Yes, that is a big problem in today’s AA.

>> I love my husband.  But then again, I'm not supporting him.  What do I do?

Again, please read the chapter “To Wives” and get back to me.

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/