Expert: Druideck - 11/27/2008

Question
My husband (soon to be ex) has been a "functioning" heavy drinker for a long time. He doesn't fall over drunk. He has held onto his company for a long time. He drinks heavily every single night. He filed for divorce because I "nag" (because I won't "let" him go out drinking every single night when we have a baby at home to take care of). We separated last year after he made false accusations based on things that happened when he was drunk. We separated for 3 months, during which I knew he wasn't home until midnight every night, then reconciled. His drinking slowly crept back up. Now, he lies about EVERYTHING. He's been spending time with another woman, although it seems it may still be in the friendship stage, lies to me about her, about where he is, about his job, even about what he ate!  The things he's telling me just about the process of filing for the divorce are so unbelievable, that I'm actually thinking he never filed.  Over the past 3 weeks, he's slept with me, then told me he didn't want to do that anymore, then took me on a date and slept with me, then accused me of using it as a "weapon", lather, rince, repeat. It's as if my initial reaction when he comes home is the setting for the entire day's mood.  If I act like I'm fine with knowing he was just out drinking, he's into me and wants to be intimate. If I tell him he did anything at all wrong (like not calling me to tell me he'd stopped at a bar), then I receive insult after insult and I can't stop the argument, because he's already decided he hates me.  Those are also the only times the divorce is mentioned. It's so back and forth, and with all the lies on top of it, I just can't tell what's happening. It is legally in my best interest to remain in the house with our baby until the divorce is filed, and he absolutely refuses to move out.  He's told everyone that I am no fun anymore since I don't drink. In the beginning we both drank a lot, but then stopped completely during pregnancy, and have maybe a glass of wine on occasion. He hates this and blames it for the downfall of our marriage! Is this typical? Does it sound like there's a bigger underlying problem, here?

Answer
Erin,

I am not sure where to start but
as far as underlying problems go
you have enough "over"lying problems
to go around.
Let's just sum them up so we know
where we are at.

Your husband is a heavy drinker
and most likely an unrecovered alcoholic.
This means he has a terminal illness
which involved a downward spiral
of his mental, emotional, physical
and spiritual conditions.
This is exhibited in his lying,
cheating, covering up and
just all around poor treatment
of people he should be caring for.
This requires a treatment program
which he has to desire and seek
actively such as rehab, alcohol addiction counselling
and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
He will like none of this.

Next, he has mentioned divorce or possibly
is proceeding with a divorce from you
and that he is seeing another woman
yet you still sleep with him? I find
this an odd arrangement considering your
present relationship.
Now that is just my take on how not
to develop a good trusting relationship.

He has told you he wants to drink etc
yet it seems like you believe he
will stop if you nag or make deals?
He will definitely not stop drinking without
the help and willingness I mentioned
above if he is alcoholic or addicted
to drinking alcohol.
So, you are wasting your energy trying
to change him. You can change
only yourself through Al-Anon, books,
counselling etc.

He is very likely addicted to alcohol
and has many of the characteristics that
accompany alcoholism.

If you try to change him or have a "normal"
relationship with him you are heading
for certain failure.
If you want to be involved with him
it will likely involve more confusion and
emotional pain for you.

Living with an unpredictable man can
be addictive in it's own right.
Many spouses develop their own
"crazy" behaviours to cope with
the drinker. These obsessions with
the drinker need to be addressed to
achieve your own recovery from
living with a problem drinker/alcoholic.
Sometimes you need to work at letting go
and taking care of your own self and
give up the dance to change the man.

If you read your own letter you can see
how your focus is totally on him
as this is how alcoholics take center
stage. The family revolves around him
and his "bad" behaviors.

Your scolding and arguing keep
him supplied with excuses to drink.
This is called enabling or codependence.
This is a learned behaviour under
these living circumstances.

You can recover yourself and
let him be. There is little to salvage
between you at this point and
the reconciling you do is just
so you can both keep playing
the alcohol game you are both
used to. Each time you make new
promises but fall back into the
same rut. Only much time apart
with both of you in recovery mode
can help to change this pattern.
You might read Robin Norwood's
books on "Women who love too much"
Excellent place to start anew.

These are my opinions
based on twenty-two years
of alcoholism related matters.
They are not judgements of
your choices only observations
and suggestions.
Luck to you!