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Addiction to Alcohol/used, hurt and confused
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Hi Joseph,
I have written you 2 times in the past year and love your reply to my questions. Here goes again, I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 4 years and we have been broken up for about a year and a half. He went to rehab and ended the relationship within a week of his 28 day program. He was sober for 15 months and relapsed in July. While sober he had no contact with me. When he drank again in July he called me and that old feeling came back. He called me in the middle of the night and when he was sober I called him back and he told me to never call him again and that he never called me. He then changed his number. In August my best committed suicide and 2 weeks after her death my x contacted me. He contacted me on a Sunday night and invited me to his house. He of course was drinking. He asked me to call off work the next day so that we could spend the day together. Because of the love I have for this man I quickly ran to see him and stay with him. That day ended soon when his cell phone would not stop ringing. During the month of September he contacted me several times. I spent time with him on 2 different occasions. Both of which we had sex and he drank. In the last month I did not hear from him so decided to contact him. He ignored the first 2 attempts and on the 3rd try I called him. In the conversation he said that he did not want to be bothered with me that he had someone in his life that he cared about and him seeing me was him "having fun." I reminded of the future events we had planned and he denied ever making plans with me. I yelled and cried to him asking him why he had sex with me and why he popped back into my life. Again, he said he was "just having fun." In my desperation, I begged to see him and invited him to sleep with me again. He just laughed and said he would changed his number again. I hung up and it's been 4 weeks. I have not called him and he has not called me. Why did this man do this to me? He knows that I am not over him and he popped back in like we could be close again. I knew/know better than to pick my phone up. How can he just hurt me like this? Also, the last time we spent time together he told me all the stuff he did behind my back when we were together. No apology just straight up truth with a big smile on his face. I know I sound crazy saying that i still care about him, but I am crushed. Being with an alcoholic made me so co-dependent. Deep inside of me, I wonder if he will contact me again. I know I should not worry, but I want the chance to have him call me again so I can pick up and tell him not to call me and change my number. I can't get this man out of my brain. I dream about him, things remind me of him. This all went away while he was sober and these feelings came again when he "popped" back in my life. I attended al-anon and did not like it. I tried several meetings but they were not for me. I currently attend coda and that seems to help a little. I am also seeing a therapist and take medication for depression. I am still addicted to this man. Please help me understand with any feedback. Thank you so much.
Lena
Greetings again, Lena.
You have written:
>> In the last month I did not hear from him ...
>> ... he said he did not want to be bothered with me ...
>> ... he denied ever making plans with me.
>> Why did this man do this to me?
>> How can he just hurt me like this?
>> I know I sound crazy saying I still care about him, but I am crushed.
>> I am still addicted to this man. Please help me understand ...
First, and from the chapter "To Wives", in "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book:
"... As animals on a treadmill, we have patiently and wearily climbed, falling back in exhaustion after each futile effort to reach solid ground ...
"... Sometimes we sensed dimly that we were dealing with sick men ...
"... And just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more ... in that strange world of alcoholism where everything is distorted and exaggerated." (pages 107-108)
The bottom line here, Lena, is that we all have needs and instincts ... yet our human ways of trying to get them met just do not work. Nevertheless, and for a wide variety of reasons, we still keep trying things we believe will result in happiness ... and that overall futility is a major part of how we end up on that proverbial treadmill.
Please know you are always welcomed to write.
Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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