Expert: Druideck - 12/24/2008

Question
QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and he is an alcoholic.  We are both in our middle 40's and this is our second marriage.  We have no kids between the two of us.  My husband works on a drilling rig and goes to work every other month for 30 days; he is not allowed to drink on the drilling rig.  When he comes home he makes up for it then. We are now seperated for the second time and I have told him that I am not moving back unless he quits drinking and goes gets help.  Everytime I bring up the subject he avoids the subject or he will come back with a stupid comment like "whatever". He told me before he left to go to work that he is not going to quit but will cut back on his drinking. I told him that will not work and there is no such thing has cutting back for a person that is an alcoholic. The other things that he has done when he has been drunk are awful. When my kids lived with us he verbially abused them and he spanked my middle daughter one time when he was drunk. I am at the end of my rope and I don't ever see us getting back together, my question is how do I break all ties with him?

ANSWER: Kristi,

it sounds like your husband is very much
in denial and at present has not reached
a point where is willing to seek sobriety
and recovery from his alcoholism.

Sometimes there are personal reasons a spouse
stays in these relationships.
One reason might be a desire to
overcome some past problems experienced with
a drinker. This could be a troubled parent
or previous spouse.
Often we believe if we do all the right
things the person will love us enough
to change. This doesn't work with alcoholism.

The alcohol is a stronger addiction than
the love the alcoholic may have.
He will continue to use alcohol until
he has had enough of it's bad consequences
in his life. This might include losing you.
He may also never seek recovery and keep
drinking as long as he lives.

These are hard facts and you either
have to make new plans to heal your own life
and continue to look at the reasons you
are staying in that relationship at all.
He has treated you and your children badly
and still you stayed. Your reasons are your
own but until you ask yourself these questions
you may just find another alcoholic attractive
at least subconsciously.

This is a time to start healing your life
and seeking support from people capable
of love. Drunks have little to offer
in a relationship other than financial
until they become too sick to work.
You may end up caring for an invalid
someday if you stay and he does not
decide to get help.

I know it hard to make any major
decisions. I believe Al-Anon could
help you with this and help you
to give up trying to repair this
broken man that is not asking for
anyones help at present.

Your only responsibility is to
create a decent life for yourself
and let go of trying to control
the uncontrollable illness your
husband has.

Take care


















---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I feel like my husband has a hold on me.  When I went through my first divorce I knew for myself that is what I wanted. But with my husband now it is like I am scared to let go. It is not that I want him to take care of me because I am on my own and paying for my own bills.  It is so hard for me to explain. If I go to Al- Anon they will beable to help me and point me in the right direction.

Answer
Kristi,

Often living with an alcoholic results
in building a dependence similar
to his addiction to alcohol.
You develop a "relationship"
addiction and it's hold
can be very strong even in the
face of a failing or "toxic"
relationship with your spouse.

Here is the best book you will
find on the subject:
"Women who love too much"
by Robin Norwood.
http://www.iramathur.org/Articles/233_WM25.11.01.htm

You could also check out what the Al-Anon
people are reading on "co-dependence" topics.

Often it is hard to leave and to
stay away from an alcoholic as we
are used to the patterns of behaviour.
We know what to expect from day to day
or what not to expect.
There are also other books by Melodie Beattie
and others but I recommend all Robin Norwood
books. Check your library or buy online
or at a bookstore. This is one of the keys to freedom.