Expert: Beverley Glazer - 12/8/2008

Question
My wife is back to drinking after 2 stays in rehab this year, the latest being August, and she is on probation for a DUI conviction. She hasn't bought alcohol from the normal outlets lately, but I have found her drinking bottles of vanilla extract. Does she think this isn't drinking because it's not tequila or wine? She has the Jekyl/Hyde mentality during the drinking, and becomes verbally abusive, and demands I leave. I finally left on Friday, and she is begging me to come home, swears (of course) she will be better, and that she hasn't done anything. I don't know if this leaving actually has her attention or is it more of the same.  Her counselors want her to come in for a visit, but she says she doesn't feel up to it due to me leaving. She's already on two types of antidepressants, and I feel like I need some...the drinking of non-drinking type of alcohol seems to be pretty bizarre thinking. I'm stuck, suggestions?

Answer
Hi Jim,

Yes, in your wife's twisted thinking, the vanilla extract is not drinking. Same as drinking 'non alcohol' beer etc. But it's only a stop-gap measure to going to the next level.

As you've learned, rehab does not provide a magic solution. She's the one who has to 'get it' and the work comes after rehab. Did she have a treatment plan after leaving rehab - ex. counseling, AA meetings - 30 meetings in 30 days, 60, 90? She needs structure to get back on track.

Your wife feels guilty because of the relapse and that's the real reason she doesn't want to face the counselors. She also should not use alcohol with antidepressant medication. She should speak to her Dr. about that.

The fact that you've moved out gives you more power to make demands. This is a good thing. Tell her that under no circumstances are you coming back unless she gets help. She should see her counselor, sign up for recovery coaching, or go to AA meetings (or both).

She will reject AA in the beginning (usually for religious reasons) but tell her she simply has to go and listen to the message - no option. This page on my site gives more information.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/treatment_recovery.html

Tell her to go to different meetings every day, because they are not the same and confide in someone that she's slipped. Eventually she should get a sponsor.

She has to learn to stop blaming you or anyone else for her situation and reach out to others, rather than the bottle to cope with her pressure.

Stand firm.

Thanks for writing AllExperts,
Keep in touch and good luck!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com