Expert: Clyde - 12/29/2008

Question
I have been separated from my husband for two years and have been living in
another state. We are not officially divorced until April. Even though I have
tried to move on with my life, spiritually I still feel such a connection to him.
Through our occassional emails I know he is greatly struggling with alcohol. I
feel God still wants me to pray for him and his sobriety. Even though many
people do not understand this connection, he is my husband and I greatly still
love him. No, I couldn't live with him while he was actively drinking because I
was enabling him, but now that I am many states away, how can I be a
positive friend in his life without getting lost in the sadness of the whole
situation?

Answer
Tracy,
    Thank you for making my day!  What a story of the "state of grace" God provides.  That is exactly the description I would offer about your feelings for your husband.  And yes, many people will not understand that because we live in such a narcissistic society (i.e what's in it for me (WIFM)?)  Why not move on and just forget that he exists and put him out of your mind, they will say.

    But that is not the way of God.  He is a God of compassion and infinite love.  You display that when you offer prayers for your husband rather than condemnation or bitterness.  I am overjoyed by that sense that you have about the prayerfulness.

    We are asked to love the sinner and not the sin.  His alcoholism is the sin and it has caused behavior that destroyed your relationship to the suffering soul, your husband.  We say that Alcohol is a "rapacious creditor" and indeed it is when it comes to destruction of people.  I think that is its worst attribute.

    I am sure that it has not been easy to have endured the pain of separation and the eventual decision to divorce but I think I sense that you have worked a long way through the grief process and are near the stage of acceptance.  It is obvious by now that you did the right thing because two years later he has not managed to give up the alcohol.  Imagine if you had stayed.

    In answer to your question: how can I be a positive friend in his life without getting lost in the sadness of the whole situation?, I offer this insight from my own experience in a similar loss....We move on with our life asking God's continued guidance for us while at the same time accepting that we have no control over the lives of others.  We will always love those whom we have lost.  And that is a good thing. When the feelings of sadness and loss come back into our remembrance we thank God that we are a compassionate, loving person who seeks to forgive through Him.  A fellow by the name of Smedes says this in his book entitled "Forgive and Forget", and I will try to get the quote right:

    "You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall the hurt and feel the power to wish the other person well."  That for me says I will never have the capacity to forgive in my humanity, but all things are possible with God.  That is the source of the power - not us - but God.

    I hope this helps and thank you again for testimony to God's grace.  Write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde