Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 12/31/2008

Question
Dear Joseph - I have chosen to contact you as I read in your brief profile that you believe in a Sovereign Creator.  Because I am a Christian and have several children with my husband I have chosen to stay with him despite years of him drinking, lying, breaking our trust relationship and endangering himself, others and even my children.  The basic facts are this - my husband has two previous DUIs, he drinks sometimes once a week or only once a month and when he does he lies about it and is usually verbally abusive to me when I confront him.  He is also usually driving while drunk during these times.  While many people would not consider once a month or once a week an issue I do.  My husband's father was an alcoholic and he committed suicide when my husband was 11.  My husband's sister is an alcoholic.  I do realize there is a genetic propensity for him to drink but I also realize he continues to make this choice despite agreeing with me that we should be a 100% alcohol free family.  Even if it is once a month and he's driving he's endangering the lives of others and himself.

I am exhausted with the lies, the promises, the verbal abuse.  Yes he did attend AA but the meeting was jam packed with meeting and of no value to him, he reported to me.  We did have a Christian counselor that we were to see until a friend scared me into beleiving I should cancel same as this counselor had been known to be controlling of his clients to a concerning degree.  I would like to help my husband but he refuses to believe he's an alcoholic and is currently refusing a counselor.  I also do not want to get divorced.  Legally I am endangering myself and my children should he drink, drive and hurt someone.  My moral concern for a victim in this scenario is of course high priority for me as well.  

Please understand without going into great detail here that I cannot leave my husband with all my children - it's physically impossible.  He could leave but refuses too at present.

I have tried to protect his reputation for his sake, my sake and especially for the sake of our children.  His drinking has caused me much embarrassment through the years.  He is a good husband, hard worker, good father.    I am simply weary from worry and "babysitting".  Of course I have prayed many, many times.  I have considered buying an at home breathalyzer kit - but this will only confirm what I know each time he is drunk and what value would that be?

I should also mention that he has high blood pressure that is currently uncontrolled and I fear he will have a stroke from adding alcohol to this situation.

So...should I contact an independent Christian counselor, attend AA meetings with him, expose his problem to my pastor in order to create some accountability therein, re-attempt to get him to move out and file for a legal separation until he gets help.  An opinion from someone who's lived this such as yourself would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Answer
Greetings to you, Chrwife.

You have written:

>> I do realize there is a genetic propensity ...
>> I also realize he continues to make this choice ...

No, either one or the other of the above is true about your husband, but not both ... and if he is a real alcoholic, here is a related, bottom-line fact:

“The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 24)

So then, and whether such a dilemma is actually genetic or is somehow acquired during one’s lifetime, you are going to have to abandon the idea that your husband actually has any real “choice” in the matter of drinking if you would like to try to be helpful to him:

“Many of us felt we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” (page 34)

>> ... he continues to [drink] ... despite agreeing with me that we should be a 100% alcohol free family.

Yes, and once again: That is because he has “lost the power of choice in drink.”  Physically, he likely cannot always (if ever) really control how much he drinks once he gets started, and he is equally emotionally-mentally defenseless against taking the first drink of a spree:

“...the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.  If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis.  Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates.  They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache.  If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk.
Once in a while he may tell the truth.  And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have.” (page 23)

>> I am exhausted with the lies, the promises, the verbal abuse.

You are far from being alone there, of course, and maybe you already know that.  It would be good for you to begin reading the chapter “To Wives” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

>> Yes he did attend AA but ...

The “AA” he attended is today’s A.A., and is not even close to what is in the book.

>> We did have a Christian counselor we were to see until a friend scared me into believing I should cancel ...

The help your husband truly needs is not available through any kind of paid service whatsoever.

>> I would like to help my husband but he refuses to believe he's an alcoholic and is currently refusing a counselor.

Maybe you already understand his sane logic: “Why go see a counselor if there is nothing wrong with me?”  But of course, he at least possibly suspects all is not really well inside him ... yet even if so, he likely also doubts anyone else in the world has any clue as to what actually might be wrong.  Overall, it is crucial for you to hear and embrace this:

“Highly competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade an alcoholic to discuss his situation without reserve.  Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.
“But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with [certain and specific] facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours.  Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.
“That the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that he obviously knows what he is talking about, that his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured - these are the conditions we have found most effective.  After such an approach many take up their beds and walk again.” (pages 18-19)

>> ...should I contact an independent Christian counselor, attend AA meetings with him, expose his problem to my pastor in order to create some accountability therein, re-attempt to get him to move out and file for a legal separation until he gets help.

None of the above.  Rather:

1) The next time he gets into a vehicle while intoxicated, call the police and report the incident immediately;
2) The next time he becomes in any way abusive (whether drinking or not), do the same;
3) Begin reading “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, as if everyone’s life depends upon your doing that;
4) Write to me with all related thoughts and questions.

Blessings to you,

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/