Expert: Druideck - 12/8/2008

Question
Are there emotional and behavioral patterns individuals can have even if they are recovering alcoholics. My girlfriend is 14 years sober.  We struggle/fight over relationship control and she doesn't feel like I take care of her, can any of her emotions from being a recovering alcoholic play a role in this.  I want to have knowledge for possible patterns of behaviors and emotions so we can overcome.  thanks

Answer
Good day,

As alcoholics recover they do gain
some emotional strength but
it depends on the individual as
to what problems they may have.

Many alcoholics have "adult children
of alcoholic" symptoms and
or codependence issues.
These are also problems that
much of our non-alcoholic population
suffers from.

Many problems are related to feeling
insecure or unsure of our lovability.
Often a person may become uncomfortable
with closeness or emotional intimacy
and push away. Then as the other
leaves they start to pursue them.
This "come here, go away"
behaviour stems from the anxiety
we have letting someone close.

Feeling insecure can result in
many subtle or not so subtle behaviours.
Control is related to that.
People are uncomfortable or afraid
when they can not control a situation.

If she is not feeling cared for it
may be that she needs more care
than you can or want to give.
Basically we have to accept whatever attention
a person is able to give and if
we need more we have to find other people
such as friends to fill our excess needs.

One person cannot always supply
everything we need, sometimes
we need to search for that wholeness
inside ourselves.

If you look up the characterictics
of "adult children" and "codependence"
online you may find some of
the emotional patterns you are
curious of.
You may even find that you feel some of
these things yourself and perhaps you can
sit down with your friend and
identify with these characteristics.
This might help you understand the
feelings better.

http://acainnerpeace.ncf.ca/charac.htm
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm