Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 12/31/2008

Question
Hi, my husband has been a recovering alcoholic for 6 1/2 years.  He goes to AA meetings at least daily. He has said that he has completed all the 12 steps. He has never made amends to me or our children or for that matter other people he has hurt.  When I have asked him why, he says that making amends is for him not us.  He continues to lie to me and the kids. I have no trust in what he says.  He gets nasty when he talks to me, and acts confused when I get upset and seems to believe he did nothing.  We have been separated for 5 years he sees other women, spends money very freely but acts as if he doesn't when confronted.  He was not cooperative when I went to file for divorce a few years ago and finally told me he didn't want one.  I found out he lied again Christmas day and was with another woman that he had known 4 weeks instead of being with his kids and his mother.  He gave her $1500. worth of jewelery for Christmas.  I confronted him and told him I am filing for divorce.  It's over.  My question is does this sound like a person who is really working the program?  Is he a dry drunk? He becomes upset if you question his actions.  Thank you for any insight you can give me.

Answer
Dear Maria

There is a saying in AA, "If you sober up a horse thief, you still have a horse thief." I would suggest that you start going to Alanon to deal with your anger and get a divorce. If you are waiting for him to be a good husband and father, you are wasting your life. Get over it and go on with your life. The good news is that it sounds like he has plenty of money for your support. Good luck and happy new year.