Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 12/4/2008

Question
Hello,

I'm 28 years old and my girlfriend is 31 years old. We been together for two years. A pretty strong and loving relationship. She means the world to me. She has been sober the entire time we been together. And I've been supportive and really don't drink a all. Recently I received a new job with a new schedule. She has been under a lot of stress and my mood has been down because of her not sharing her emotions and her support for me. She has been really involved in AA more than ever and doesn't want me to be apart of it. I feel it's hard because we're not really growing together anymore. On countless occasions I offered my support, and wanted to attend an open meeting with her but that never happened, she kind of pushed me away from it. I respected her space so I let it be, but found it hard to understand. We had a talk about what's going on and now she's thinking of leaving me. It's hard to hear this from someone I cared for so much and just wanted to be and love her. It's been a few days since I saw or even talked to her. We're still together but trying to bring the relationship back like when we first met, but I'm just confused and trying figure out what I should do. Should I just go about my way and give her space, or try to show that I still care for her?  

Answer
Hello Tommy,
It's often very challenging to be in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. Often the last area a recovering person improves in is intimate relationships. It can be very helpful to the non-recovering person, you, to attend meetings of Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Involvement in Al-Anon can serve a number of purposes: it can indicate in a tangible way that you are committed to supporting your girlfriend's recovery; and it can provide you with support and tools to use to accept your girlfriend's behaviors (for ex., detaching with love). Also, in Al-Anon you will learn a recovery language simlar to your grilfriend's and perhaps be better able to communicate about your recovery and hers, and often Al-Anon and AA meetings are held in the same location at the same time (different rooms), so that you can go together. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams. MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com