Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 12/28/2008

Question
Hi Jan,
I recently started dating a woman that has an alcoholic son.  He is 24, lives at home with her and can't drive (DUI).  We've been dating for 3-months and her son's drinking has already affected our relationship.  We live 2 hours apart so in the beginning we would take turns driving to see one another.  The last time she visited me, her son drank in her absence and the police were called.  She now feels she can't leave him alone so she won't drive to see me anymore.  I also believe that see is enabling him as there are no consequances for his actions.  From my perspective the more he drinks the harder she tries to fix it.  I'm not a drinker, nor do I have friends that are drinkers, so this is all new to me.  I really have no idea what I'm getting into so I'm questioning if I should continue in the relationship.  Obviously that's a decision that only I can make, but I would appreciate any information you might have concerning other dynamics the relationship might be subject to if her son does not seek professional help.

Thanks,
Gary

Answer
Hello Gary,
Your observations are astute: your lady friend is enabling her son and has become enmeshed in his alcoholism to the point that she will now forego her relationship with you, out of her desire to control her son's drinking. Individuals in a relationship with an alcoholic can become as sick in many ways as the alcoholic, with an obsession with trying to cure or control the alcoholism that is as strong as the obsession of the alcoholic with alcohol. I suggest trying to convince this woman to seek help for herself perhaps through the principles of Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic. I thought that you might be familiar with Al-Anon due to your use of this language in your question: "she is enabling him as there are no consequences for his actions." In any event, in Al-Anon your friend can find support and learn the truth that no one can control alcoholism in another, but can learn not to enable and to live a healthy life in spite of the alcoholic's drinking. The Al-Anon website is here: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
www.alcoholdrugsos.com