Expert: Amarnath.B - 12/31/2008

Question
Here I sit on New Years Eve in a hotel room that I have been in for a week.  My common-law husband of 15 years is a drunk.  He always drank but we had a great life together.  He was kind, giving and thoughtful, always took care of things.  Then 2 years ago things spiraled down hill.  He was still kind, generous, and caring but only when he was not drunk.  I had to stop doing anything with him after 5 pm.  He would get us thrown out of restaurants everytime we went out.  His choice in friends became as far as i am concerned drunk scumbags.  The things he has said to me have been so awful i started to hate myself. I have spent the last 3 months crying, almost curled in a ball, and all he has done is lie, mock my pain, and leave for night to his scumbag friends house.  So I left.  He called me and begged me to come home, but i said no and told him how i felt.  at first he said he would get help, now he is saying he will only get help if i come home, and drinking is not our only problem, my unhappiness is.  He also is obsessed with the money i took from our account.  I feel like iam in purgatory.  I can't go back or go forward.  I love this man, but i feel so tired, so ill, and so unable to make a decision.  please help

Answer
Hello JD,

At the outset, a very Happy New Year to you and may God shower his choicest blessings upon you this year.

JD, alcoholism is an incurable and progressive disease.  Your husband's disease has progressed to such a level that he is now a full blown alcoholic and needs immediate help.  He has touched rockbottom now & if he doesn't seek help going down six feet under is not very far away.  There is no known cure for alcoholism.  It can only be arrested by staying stop, total abstinence.

The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your husband is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person. You have become affected too and that makes you a co-dependent.   

Leaving him is not the solution right now. It will only aggravate the situation and his drinking will become worse.  You will have to tell him to first seek help and when he takes up the path of sobriety you will get back to him.  I know it is very difficult but this is the only way. Yours husband has to seek help.

In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.  This is why you have the feeling of insecurity. Having been caught in the loop has made you a co-dependent and you will continue to be so even when your husband becomes sober.  This is because alcoholism is a progressive disease and cannot be cured, it can only be arrested by total abstinence.  The disease however, will continue to grow.  Only can a spiritually active person with the help of 12-step program of AA can have a healthy relationship.

Now ask yourself this question.  Does your husband have a desire to stop drinking? If he doesn't then your helping him get sober goes in vain. Ask your husband to try AA first.  AA is a fellowship where millions of alcoholics have had a turn around in their lives.  

JD, it’s time you did a little bit of soul searching and come to terms with life.  Start facing the reality and start living a life on life’s terms.  Have a frank talk with you husband and work things out in a healthy way.  If things don’t work out then don’t get hurt.  You need to move on and move on quickly.  Give a shot at Al-Anon (a self-help group of family and friends of alcoholics).  Your perception might change after meeting people who are in the same situation as yours. Your husband should seek help before he touches rock bottom and he loses everything. AA seems to be the only answer.  Contact the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous in your area and ask someone to come and talk to your husband.  A recovering alcoholic is the best person to talk to a suffering one.

Don’t you think you have a life of your own? Don't just sit back and wait for things to get better. Take the initiative, let your husband know what your needs are and make a commitment to change the pattern of your relationship.

I hope and pray things work out for you.  Please do not hesitate to contact me if there are any questions or concerns.


God bless



Amarnath