Expert: Amarnath.B - 12/30/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I have had an alcohol problem for the last 20 years, but I have only just come to realise, or stopped the denial process in the last 3 months, all of which I have attended AA meetings, looking back now I can see how far down I had gone in my mental health, the sobriety has given me glimpses of my actions and behaviour and the fog is starting to clear.  I have been reading some of the questions and answers on here and I can relate to so much... it is heartbreaking to realise I have been so selfish and that I have hurt so many people around me, destroyed loving relationships, my family and friends. I so determined now to change, so that I can have loving and caring relations with people, so that I can feel whole on my own and deal with a lot of issues that I still have. My question is, do you think going to see a therapist would benefit my attending AA, compliment it as such, as they may be able to help me with any underlying issues, I am just trying to do everything I can to get better, to grow etc, also is there any literature apart from the usual big book or AA stuff that you would recommend.

Thanks in advance
Danny


ANSWER: Hello Danny,

Recovery is a journey, not a destination.  You have just embarked on this beautiful journey of sobriety.  Remember, sobriety is not just mere abstinence.  But sobriety should be in your thoughts, words, and deeds.   The way of A.A. is the way of sobriety, fellowship, service, and faith.  

Most of us, when we come into recovery go into self-pity.  We go back in time and feel remorse about our past actions.  It is okay to look at it and ask God for forgiveness.  But dwelling into it becomes pity-partying.  I’m sure you must have now started working the program vis-à-vis working the 12-steps of AA.  It is when doing these steps you will actually realize how you are so different from a normal person.  How much more luckier you are than the normal person.

If there is some area of your life that you are seeking to change, first practice acceptance. By acknowledging where you are and giving thanks for the good that you have received, you will release an energy that will transform you and your present circumstances.

Forgiving can also help you take back your power. As long as you believe that someone else's actions are the cause of your present difficulties, you are powerless to change. Letting go of blame allows you to take responsibility for your life.

The fact that outside issues affect our serenity, at times, and therefore can have an effect on our sobriety if we allow them that power. We are constantly reminded that we have to talk about anything and everything that might affect our serenity so as to ward off that natural-to-us desire to escape into the bottle.

Now most of us when we come back into recovery do experience problems of the mind.  Most of the times alcoholism stems from underlying psychological issues like depression and other disorders.  But when one takes the spiritual path of recovery which is the AA Program, these problems just fade away.  I think you are still new in AA and are kind of rushing things up.  Take one day at a time.  Start working the steps with a sponsor.  And if you don’t have a sponsor pick one up immediately. But if you do feel these problems of the mind are pathological and are affecting your daily living, please consult a therapist.  But do not mix the program and the counseling.  Both of them don’t go well together.  

The way of AA is the way of sobriety, fellowship, service and faith. Let us take up each one of these things and see if our feet are truly on the way.  The first and greatest to us is sobriety.  The others are built on sobriety as a foundation.  We could not have the others if we did not have sobriety. We cannot build any decent kind of a life unless we stay sober.  

So Danny, please do not go into self pity beating yourself up about what happened in the past.  All of us have been there.   But you have to move on.  Spirituality, the AA way seems to be the only answer.  You will feel affected by the outside world, the normal people, as you are new in sobriety.  Give it some time.  Work the steps & everything will fall into place.  If you still feel you need to look up a therapist, go ahead.  But let it not affect your program.

There are numerous books on recovery.  Visit hazelden.org and click on bookstore.  Here you will find inspirational books on recovery, relationships, etc.  These books really are of great help.

Danny, I wish you the best.  If there's anything you need, or if you have any questions or concerns please do not hesitate to mail me.


God bless



Amarnath


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Amarnath,

I appreciate your advice and kind words, i understand the need for acceptance but am struggling with putting it into practice, i have lost the one person i love more than anything in this world and i know i can not get her back, she has completely shut me out. My life has lost meaning, i know i may be stuck in a pity party but that's how i feel, maybe its depression i don't know. I have carried on going to my AA meetings as i know i have to sort myself out, for the people that love me and for myself. I just feel numb, i feel as if i have thrown away any happiness that i may have had. I also understand that this is exactly where god wants me to be... but i find that hard to accept. I am starting to wish i just wasn't here, and so there's the choice life like this or drown it in drink, that is so selfish i know but i'm confused, struggling and have no motivation or interests in life.. i've started fixing on other things to try and find peace but i know that gets you no where. I have been trying my hardest to be gratefull for the things i have got, to be possitive, to help others, but i keep coming back to this same feeling and thoughts, it's obsessive. I just want to accept and move on, how do you accept these things? I feel so torn.

Danny

Answer
Hello Danny,

Dawns another year,
  Open it aright;
Thou shalt have no fear
  In its fading light.

May God shower his choicest blessings upon you this New year.  

Danny, I empathize with you completely.  I can identify with you because I went through the same phase that you’re going through right now.  Most of us have been through divorce, penniless, homeless, ostracized by the very society that we lived in, unemployable etc. We have seen it all.  Remember,  how much that the other person in our life suffered.  Most relationships are dysfunctional when one of the partners is an active alcoholic.  What an alcoholic says and does under the influence is usually alcohol-induced reaction.  An alcoholic is very selfish and will go to any lengths to please the other person as long as his/her domain is secured.  Most alcoholics have very low self-esteem and a deep sense of insecurity.  They need reassurances and acceptance for everything that they say and do. And in sobriety the insecurity still remains but, now with our clear minds we are aware it.  The same goes with the partner too.  They have a life and need to move.  The insecurities and the fear which we have created in their lives is much more than what we have created for our own selves.  We cannot expect them to come back and feel sorry for us, for our loneliness which we have created.  We cannot expect them to come back after what we have made them go through.

Your partner has also a life to lead, to look forward to a better life than the one which she went through.  We always tried to control the other person in our life.  Now that they have gone away, we feel the emptiness, the vacuum that we ourselves created.  

Maybe this relationship wasn’t meant to be.  Look ahead, there are better things that will come your away and if you’re sober, that’s a promise.  You are not alone, Danny.  There are millions that have gone through the same phases like you have.  But they have moved on and have never looked back.  These are early stages in your sobriety.  So you need to have patience & patience is a virtue.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

It's easy to live as though our problems will just go away. We say tomorrow, next month, or next year will be better. We keep some kernel of hope that things will change, even though we haven't done anything to change things. Herein lies a paradox. We need to be positive, to let go, and to live one day at a time, but we also need to be sensitive to points in our lives that require us to take action.

Before we can begin to get out of a rut, to make positive change, we need to acknowledge that a problem exists in the first place and that we are responsible for doing something about it. When we can pinpoint the problem, we create a new awareness. We're suddenly open to receiving information we previously blocked out. We reach a higher level of thinking regarding our situation.

Though we never are guaranteed favorable outcomes, we should always remember that sobriety is its own best reward. We want a full life, of course, but it must begin with a decision to seek and to maintain sobriety at all costs.

When we see how far we’ve strayed from being the kind of men we wanted to be, we are overwhelmed by how far we have to go to get back on the track.  Perhaps, we see clearly for the first time how unfair we were or how much we hurt those we love.  Maybe we see how pervasive our compulsions are in our lives and how much we missed.  

We should learn to live in the now.  We are often obsessed with things that happened yesterday, last week, or even five years ago.   Worse yet, many of our waking hours were spent clearing away the “wreckage of the future.”

Move Danny, like all of us have in the progam. You will realize how much happy & luckier you are than a so called normal person.

I have found a prayer that helps by saying it in the morning: "God grant that I be treated today like I treated others yesterday." It has a tendency for me to be a bit more honest about my direct behavior towards others.

I wish you lots of peace, happiness, & serenity in this New Year. Don't lose hope as long you have faith in a higher power.


God bless


Amarnath