Expert: Clyde - 12/8/2008

Question
I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 years and I'm not sure if he is an alcoholic or not.  He has 2 DUI's and tends to drink till he basically passes out.  In the past he would drink a lot during the week and then weekends. It was terrible he would call me just to tell me off and for some reason I would sit there and listen to every word just so I can remind him of what he said the very next day.  He would tell me how he didn't remember any of it but that he was very sorry.  Well that was years ago when we were 21 and his drinking has gotten a bit better he doesn't really drink a lot he might drink once in 2 weeks or once in a month, but that one time he will drink too much that he will pass out anywhere.  He no longer drinks and drives and doesn't tell me off anymore but his drinking now has cost him his job.  He has been suspended from his job because of too many absences due to drinking.  At the moment he is suspended and I thought he would stop but I found out he drank the other night.  He doesn't drink everyday from morning to night but when he does have a drink he drinks as if its the last drink on earth.  He binge drinks I think because sometimes it starts at like 7pm and can at times last till 5 or 6am.  He says he wants to marry me and build a future together and I believe him our relationship is perfect aside from the drinking I can honestly say that when he is sober he treats me like a queen I couldn't be happier but then that day will come where he'll have some beers and I hate it. I feel like I'm at a crossroads of which way to go.  Does he have a problem should I leave him or am I just traumatized because of the way he used to act in the past. Please give me some advice I need to know if hes an alcoholic or not. One more thing he grew up with a father that would have similar actions like him and he lost his mother when he was a teenager.  I wonder if he still holds onto a lot of the pain from the loss of his mom that he never dealt with. Please help.

Answer
Michelle,
   Thank you for your questions and for sharing the background of your situation.

   It is a blessing that he has slowed down and no longer brutalizes you so.  It is good that he does not drink and drive.  It is good that he drinks more moderately, at least in the numbers of time per month, although they are longwinded sessions.  So there are some good aspects to this.

   Based on what you share, I would be willing to bet that he does have a problem with alcohol.  It does not matter how much one drinks - the crux of the matter is how one drinks and for what reasons.  His binges are telling and his run-ins with the law and the job impact as well.  If one were not an alcoholic, one DUI would have taken care of the drinking and driving and one would not be losing a job.  Sad to say, but he looks to be an alcoholic.

    As to the reasons, only he knows that.  It could be trauma from early childhood or the death of his mother.  It is not possible to say.

    If you love this guy and want to marry him (as he says he does with you), then I suggest that you have a heart to heart talk and tell him the drinking has to stop - not just curtail, but stop.  If he loves you then this would be received as a request to alter his behaviors in order that he might honor you.  I do not say that it would be easy and that he would not be ruffled by the conversation but I would suggest that it needs to happen.  

   You are going to be in for a lot of grief and pain if you stay with someone who is not willing to get help and stop the madness.  My suggestion is that he get to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and start to listen to the similarities in stories he will hear.  Too many times, people go to AA in order to hear the differences (i.e. I am not like that; I didn't do anything that bad; I never drank in the mornings; etc).  If he were seriously in love with you he would be willing to go and make a stab at getting and staying sober.  My guess is that he is not ready for this step.

    You have to realize that you'll be asking him to give up his best friend - alcohol.  He will need to grieve the loss.  He has used it too long for the wrong reasons and he will need to find out what those reasons are.  It will not be easy and it will not happen overnight.

    I hope this helps.  No one can advise you as to what to do.  I can only offer my experience as to what is in the future if he keeps drinking and you expect different results.

   Write anytime I might be of help.

Grace and Peace
Clyde