Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 12/19/2008

Question
Hi,
My I've known my boyfriend for a little over 2years. Hes 23. Im 19. Now that I think about it he has always had a drinking problem it just never seemed to have such a control over his life untill recently. He got a DUI over a year ago and has to go to classes once a week to talk about alcohol abuse. I was hoping that would help him..that and him loosing his liscense but it doesnt seem like they have helped at all. He struggles with it. It's like he does VERY good for a while.a few weeks at the most and everything seems to be going well bu then he just breaks down and it drunk for days. I hate to be around him when hes like that...he can get violent. Like the other day for example I got off of work around 4..we had had an argument the night before over something stupid and i called him after work and he wanted to come over..so i went to pick him up (he lost his liscence) and when i got there he was in his room and i could tell things werent right but i didnt think they were as bad as they actually wore. We went to my house and i was very tired so we slept for about 3hours. I got up around 8 to go to the mall bc i had to get a gift for my secret santa at work. He seemed fine when i left...we kissed goodbye and everything. When I got home I brought home dinner...we ate. Then everything went bad. He started getting very angry about little things that usually dont bother him. the anger was focused at me. We ended up downstairs of my apartment complex. Hes demanding I take him home yelling..I was upset crying..trying to get him to talk to me which i realize now that thats immpossible when hes in that state of mind. He threatened to break my winshield..he actually found a brick and was going to throw it on my car..he pulled my hair. Then he started walking down the street and said he was gonna walk home. He does not live walking distance close. I was very upset I wanted to just let him go without trying to stop him at all. But I couldnt. I know if he gets caught drunk in public he will get in a lot of trouble due to his DUI. So i chased after him and drove him home. He seems to show no feelings at all. Its like hes a completely different person. The next couple days he was just drunk and i do mean DRUNK all day and night. I tried talking to him the day after but he claims to not remember anything and he leaves it at that. He doesnt understand that i do remember and he doesnt seem to care. He just drunk straight for like 3days. and last night he called me to go pick him up..he said he really wanted to be with me and talk. I got there and he was extremely drunk. he got in my car and almost instantly passed out. I was upset. I really wanted to just take him home with me and hope he would try to make things better but i knew that wasnt gonna happen, what wouldve happened would be me trying to talk to him, trying to get him to say something to make me feel better and him either getting extremely upset or just passing out on my bed. SO i called him mom..he lives at his moms house. I told her what was going on and told her he wouldnt get out of my car. I finally managed to get him out and helped him walk to the door and his step dad helped him to his room. I left and went home.
I do not what to do. A big part of me wants to just completely walk away from it. But a bigger part of me knows I cant do that. I am inlove with him and hes a great guy when hes sober. Hes helped me out a lot. i hate the person he turns into when he drinks and its gotten so bad hes drunk at home around his family..his little brother who looks up to him so much. and his little brothers birthday is tomarrow. I wish he could control his drinking and just not drink at all. Its just really hard to want to stay with him when he acts like this. He has a huge problem. What can I do to help him?

Answer
Hello Vanessa,
Alcoholics hurt the persons they love, and I can "hear" the pain you are in. Your boyfriend's alcoholism is severe and is only going to get worse unless something shakes him up enough for him to agree to get help. No one needs to put up with physical and mental abuse. I realize that you do not wish to completely break off the relationship, but for your safety, and, hopefully, because it may help him to really see the problem, I recommend that you tell your boyfriend, when he is sober, that you are going to put the relationship on hold, and cannot see him, until he gets help for his drinking and has a period of time sober (say 6 months). I know you may not be ready right now to take this action, and suggest that you attend meetings of Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for persons in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ There you can find support and some information on how to not enable your boyfriend's alcoholism. I also suggest you think about talking to your boyfiend's mother (if you haven't already) to see if she might be interested in Al-Anon; her allowing your boyfriend to live at her house may also be considered enabling, meaning supporting his alcoholism. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com