Expert: Rebos - 12/28/2008

Question
Hello, I need advice regarding my boyfriend's drinking/cocaine problem. Just reading my first sentence makes me sick that I am even considering a future with a man who has an problem with substance abuse. My father and I have not had a relationship since my Mother and I left him when I was 5 years old. He had a serious alcohol and cocaine addiction. He would be gone for days on a binge, cheating on his family with strippers he enticed with endless amounts of cocaine. Only to return home days later and physically and verbally abuse my Mother, sometimes in front of me. My Mother was scared for her life constantly. She finally realized if she did not at least try and get herself and I away from him (despite death threats with his gun to her head, there was a good chance she would not survive if she stayed and she could not bear the idea of raising their daughter (only child) in that environment). By the grace of God, she gathered enough strength and courage to leave him. Despite restraining orders against him, he harassed us continually but he never did have the opportunity to lay a hand on either of us again. 25 years later and lonely, he's singing a different tune and says he doesn't remember any of it. He has had a minor stroke, but I know he remembers.

With some background information on the record, I will begin explaining my current situation. My off/on again boyfriend of 5 years and I are 1 year apart in age, 29 & 30. We used to do a lot of drinking and cocaine together. We both realized the problems we were having as a result were not OK. He would not come home regularly to party with his friends instead. It led to excessive verbal fighting and abuse. He has never laid a hand on me in violence. It got to be too much so we took a brake. both of our careers were suffering as well. During that time, I continued counseling and praying to God to help me with my life. Things improved tremendously and my anxiety and depression from my childhood issues began to improve so much I was finally finding peace and forgiveness in my heart from my childhood traumas. I also cut way down on the alcohol and forgot about the cocaine. For me, it was about self medication and escape, I never had cravings. During our year break from each other, he totaled his brand new truck driving drunk (no one was hurt thank God) and spent 60 days in jail. He came home a very humbled man, attending AA, church, bible study and making an effort to better his life. I gave him a "millionth" second chance after 6 months of making efforts to improve his life. He still had the occasional slip ups unfortunately. We are approaching our 3rd month of living together for the second time. Last night was the 6th weekend in a row he has lied about where he was going and come home drunk and high, one night with lipstick and glitter all over his mouth and chin. I am so hurt I can't stand it. Each time he promises not to drink and use again, he's always disappointed with himself and never remembers the stupid things he says and does and how he treats me. For what his family has been telling me, he's bought an engagement ring. I believe he's been waiting for the right time to propose... He comes from a big wonderful Italian family, the only down side to them is that all the men drink too much. I am very close with his family and they have welcomed me as if I've been part of the family for years. I am scared shit less that my boyfriend's drinking will not stop no matter how many times he promises it will... every Sunday usually. He spent about 12 hours in the bar yesterday with the men in the family and he lied to me about where he was and wouldn't answer my calls. He knows he has a problem and he's ruining our future but he can't help himself, the Vodka wins. He is a wonderful man sober. His skin crawls the day after a binge, and he gets the DT's too. I am in desperate need of advice. This relationship is tearing me up inside on a weekly basis because of his substance addictions. Fortunately, I have been able to stay strong and not join him in using. I am happy with a glass or two of red wine every so often. I've discovered self love and respect that will keep me from abusing my body and soul again. But he is killing me. in love him sober. How can I help? Thank you tremendously, in advance for taking the time to help people like me. It is so hard to see the forest through the tress when your standing smack in the middle of it. God Bless, Ashley

Answer


Good afternoon Ashley and thank you for your question. I honestly believe that God has already answered you… get rid of him… unless you want a life full of misery and heartache and possibly bring children into the world to replay what you yourself went through with your father. You should know better! Alcoholism never gets better on its own it only gets worse!

First off; never, never, never make any threats to you boyfriend that you are not 100% willing to follow thru on! You are an “enabler”! It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. By you not sticking by your threats to him you are really buying him his next drink, and allowing him to continue drinking! I don’t know how you can be taken advantage of by this guy that cares nothing for you. He doesn’t love you as much as he loves his booze. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If you have no special knowledge of alcoholism recovery and try to help, your boyfriend senses your weakness and continues on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that your boyfriend is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your boyfriend. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic. Alcoholics are self-centered to the extreme. They can’t be good fathers, husbands, wives, employees or real friends; their friend becomes alcohol and they will do anything, or tell all kinds of lies to protect their right to drink. Alcoholics have “victims” and take “hostages” but never lovers or fathers.

You must understand that alcoholism is but a symptom of a much deeper underlying problem that your boyfriend has, and until he finds out what that problem is he is destined to live and die a drunk’s death. Don’t allow him to take you (or any future children) with him! AA can help him to find out what that problem is. He cannot stop drinking on his own for the long haul and don’t let him con you into believing that he can.

If you can’t find the courage to tell him the truth, I would suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings to find an answer to your problem. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you have any further questions I will be pleased to answer a follow-up. Thank you Rebos