Expert: Druideck - 12/13/2008

Question
I am married to a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 4 months now.
I have supported him and dealt with many deeply painful issues throughout
this time but have suddenly found myself needing to reach out to him for
support due to sheer exhaustion, some ill health and uncharacteristic
depression. After 5 days in this condition he has still not attempted to help
me and has removed himself from me emotionally.He has started insulting
me again and seems to find fault with my actions - behaviour that was
previously associated with his drinking/drugging days. I have no family here
and need support and I am amazed he is not able to give me anything Is this
something normal for recovering alcoholics? When does it get better?

Answer
Lulu,

Alcoholics recover according to their
own timetable and how well they adjust
to a sober life. This can take years
of daily work on thoughts, emotions
and just building up strength
in those areas. For many it also requires
much work in the area of personal relations
and responsibility.

When an alcoholic stops drinking they
often have had very little normal emotional
development. They may be at the level
of a young adult or younger in their
emotional temperament.
The reason he is not able to act like an
adult is because he only looks like one
on the outside.

You are asking him to support you the way
an adult male would if he had lived through lifes problems
sober and without using alcohol as a
support.

I found the first year or two of sobriety the worst
and up to five years to get some
real adult stability in my life.

I believe you are looking to get
something he is not ready to give
you at this point. He needs to
grow up again and it takes time.

Don't let his condition allow you to
accept abusive behaviour from him.
If he is really working on sobriety
honestly he will try to
get along with you or see his errors.

If he is not attending Alcoholics Anonymous
meetings it may not be long until he drinks
again. Very few make the first year alone.

I suggest you look elsewhere for
support like Al-Anon meetings
or an alcohol counsellor.
If you ask your husband for much he will
likely fail and your depression will
worsen. He is like an empty well
right now and trying to draw water
will come up empty.

You must take care of yourself first
and let him get his support from AA,
This is important for any future
plans to be. Alcoholism is life threatening
to you both.

Please take care!