Expert: Clyde - 12/8/2008

Question
QUESTION: I have been married for 3 years to my alcoholic husband. It is a second marriage for both of us and we have a 3 year old son. I knew my husband drank a lot but did not know as much about alcoholism as I do now. I have watched his disease progress from drinking binges that lasted 24 hours to binges that last a week at a time. About 3 months ago I asked my husband to move out. He was causing too many problems for me and my son. At the same time he was about to loose another job. By some miracle he found his way to AA. I was so proud of him. He stayed sober for 90 days. He said he was on a pink cloud! He lost weight, he had money in the bank, our family life was great and then he slipped. He left for work one day and did not come home. He was on another week binge. He drinks so much that he imagines things. He calls me up and says he is watching me take a shower with another man. He asks if I love this other man. He thinks I am having affairs. It is crazy talk. I try not to argue with him and reassure him that I love him and encourage him to stop drinking so he will see thing clearer. What can I do to help him. Is it just his disease and he will have to recover at his own pace after many slips? Does he need to be out of our house to get sober? He pushes me to admit things that are not true and says if I confess we can talk about it, but I do not want to do that. What is the best way to handle the situation. I do go to Alanon and try to practice those principles.

ANSWER: Laurel,
    Thank you for your questions and for explaining something about the situation.

    What you describe are the delusions and paranoid thoughts that plague an alcoholic.  There are many ways that these may play out and one of them is this idea that they know something about the other person (you) that they attack you with - they know you are having an affair, they see things such as your showering with someone else.  These are figments of their active imagination taking them into justifications for their own behaviors for which THEY feel guilty. Better to conjure up some foul behavior of the other person's to make one's self feel better.

    This may or may not stop suddenly as he attempts to get sober. He has much to do in order to really achieve sobriety beyond the pink cloud of early sobriety.  He will face step 4 which may pose some real obstacles for him but with persistence at desiring to stop drinking he has a good chance of surmounting the reasons for his drinking and other bad behaviors in general.

    I would not admit to anything that is an untruth.  Hold your ground on those things because this will affect your own program and you need not jeopardize your own work because of his accusations.

    It might be helpful to keep him out of the home until he shows some really good faith efforts at staying sober - i.e. gets a sponsor, reads the Big Book, goes to meetings regularly.  This can be used a leverage to let him know that you mean business when it comes to your son and yourself.  He has to understand that drinking has some consequences.

     I hope this helps. and write anytime I might be of help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Clyde, thank you for you quick response. It gives me some things to think about. I guess I thought once he got that 90 day chip our life was going to be smooth sailing, but those are my expectations. I do love him very much and really wanted him to be a good full time husband and father. Maybe if he does the program and the steps he will be able to. Staying out of the house is probably a good idea, I thought with the love  and comfort of me and my son he would have incentive to keep it together, but maybe we are just more stress on him at this time. If he is out of the house for a while should I just have minimum contact with him? The back and forth conversations  and accusations are really upsetting to me? I just want to do what even I can to help him and get through this.  Laurel

Answer
Laurel,
   Thank you for the follow up.  You are right to keep him out of the home, at least for now.  He needs to know your boundaries and know that you will hold to them.

   Boundaries I might suggest:

1.) Contact only as long as attacks and nasty remarks are absent. That means pouting as well.  Cut off contact as politely as you can but don't put up with it either.

2.) Stress the importance of getting help through AA but don't belabor the point. One or two mentions of it are all you should offer.  He needs to come to this decision on his own.

3.) You need not put up with any of his behaviors that are stressful to you or your son.  You are not responsible for his actions or inactions.

4.) Be on your guard for any retaliation he may come up with.  Not saying he will do anything to harm you but you will want to be smart about this.

  Write anytime

Grace and Peace,
Clyde