Expert: Clyde - 12/13/2008

Question
QUESTION: I live with woman who is, from my best judgement, a terrible alcoholic. A few years ago, we moved a great distance away from a state where she has three felony DUI's pending and, overall, has 7 to her name tossed through a handful of states.
I used to be addicted to cocaine and alcohol, but i was able to quit by Grace of God and haven't done either in several years. I have no desire at all to do either. I am confused she can't do the same thing.
Her drinking is getting worse. When I say that I mean, it takes far less liquor to put her over the edge than it did before and yet she drinks more in volume than she used to. I cannot recognize her sometimes. I would have to say that 80% of her time away from work  she is in a blacked out stupor. I fear her liver is giving out.
When I come home from work, most of the time she is three sheets to the wind or passed out.
Although she doesn't know, I know where she "hides" her bottles. I go straight away to pour them out. It is part of a daily routine.
Because of some absurd legal trouble i am in, I will be on probation for a couple years. I have told her she needs to quit drinking because if she doesn't I will end up in prison. I say that only because it is only a matter of time before the police will be called during one of her drunken rages...not good for a guy on probation.
My question is this...
Am I helping her in anyway at all by 1) pouring out what I find 2)not telling her I am doing it and 3) giving her a line in the sand she can longer cross by saying she needs to quit?
I understand the chances of her quitting are so slim I shouldn't count on them, but there is always room to hope. I also understand this may mean we have to go different ways.
It seems so simple a thing...NOT to go into the liquor store, yet she does it without fail.
My father is a psychiatrist who says she is one of the worst cases he has ever seen.
I have even thought of slipping small amounts of ipecac into her bottles so she begins to fear drinking because of the results...but I won't do that, but that is how bad it has gotten.
She still doesn't think she has a problem and only drinks because she "likes" it. It doesn't matter the horrible and hurtful things she says. In the morning she is sorry and laughs when I tell her how she acted.
AA is out of the question. What can I do to help her? There must be something.
Thank you,
John


ANSWER: John,
  Thank you for your questions and for some explanation of the situation.

  It is always going to be a question: "Am I helping more than I am hurting" when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic.  The description you give of your friend fits the mold of an alcoholic quite strongly.

   You have seen that all these recourses you have used have meant nothing to her in terms of her getting sober or even trying to think about the possibility, therefore, the question now becomes "What is best for John?"

   You have indicated that you fear that you will reap the consequences of her drinking, not her - i.e. that a call to the police with result in your being hauled away. Not good.

   You'll need to do some soul-searching here - what are you getting from the relationship that causes you to place yourself in harms way?  The answer to that will provide the direction you'll need to head to resolve this dilemma.   Either you love this person and will risk anything in the world for her - then stay. Or, you can see better things in your future that can not be put to risk - then leave.

   This is no longer a question about her - it is solely about you.
You can not control alcoholism; you did not cause the alcoholism; and you can not cure it.  Sad to say, but she may not make it to sobriety.  It is up to her to decide.  Sometimes when the loved ones leave for good the message sinks in. This may be the hope in this case as well.

  Hope this helps and write anytime I might be of help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for responding. You are very kind and it seems you have seen this before.
While this may seem childish, I teared up reading it. I think you have hit on another problem I worry about.
My questions or, rather, struggles are more and more heading to issues of mine or her leaving. I am facing that with a greater, heart-breaking, certainty every day and with every drunken fit she throws.
But shouldn't the partner or spouse of an alcoholic fight as if it were their own addiction?
If you love someone and walk away, is that not betraying them? My biggest plus, is that I am unendingly loyal to people I love. Maybe that is a minus too, I don't know.
She is an alcoholic and I understand she has a self-inflicted disease, but at the same time isn't leaving pronouncing damnation on her life? In small ways and like anyone who lives with an alcoholic, I have found ways to manage (if you can call it that) both her and my life through this. I know when to disconnect the phone or know how to say "I'm sorry" for what she did to people and the right way to say it.
I can't help but feel guilty that if I go and something happens to her, no one will be there to do those things. It will be my fault, because I left knowing it would happen. I sought out a better life for myself knowing it would effectively end hers. while I don't want to martyr my life for her sake, to walk away and not look backs seems....well, evil. Is it not?
If alcoholism is a disease, then how is that any different from if she had cancer and i walked away? Does it have anything to do with the fact chooses to walk into the liquor store and the cancer patient does seek out illness?
I will leave you alone after this question.
Thank you, again, for your time.
John

Answer
John,
   Thank you for the follow-up and don't hesitate to continue our conversation if it continues to give you some additional pieces of information and insight into the dilemma... That said...

   You now know the crux of the situation and you have so stated it when you now see this as a concern you have for you and not for her - her leaving you, if I understand what you are saying.  The concern about your trip to prison should the police ever be called and now this fear of her leaving you are matters that you can address because they are your issues.

   Wrestle with the willingness to face the fears (her leaving and prison) and come to acceptance of the possibility these pose.  You know 99% of what we fear never happens anyway.  They are only possibilities but not realities.  I think this may be the chief source of your distress right now.

   Now, a soulful acceptance of these fears in you will free you to be all you can and want to be to her.  You are right when you observe that when one loves someone unconditionally they can remain in the relationship until death no matter the hurt or the pain.  But we remain in it for the right reason - we are giving of ourselves to them.  It is the ultimate in sacrifice and not many people understand the preciousness of such a commitment.  Look at the divorce rate today - staggering!  I believe that Jesus said it best when he said there is no greater love than laying down one's life for another. Period.

   I hope this is making sense to you as it may sound a little convoluted but there are issues commingled here - some of hers and some of yours.  I am trying to suggest that you separate the two by looking first at your side - the side you can do something about.

   When we freely love and give of ourselves we are doing the very most we can do as a human being in relationships.  But the freedom comes by us always assessing our own strengths and weaknesses and fears.  When those are clear to you and, in the case of fears, removed from the equation, then you have a direction in which to go.

   If she leaves, you will have done all you can do and will have been true to yourself - you say you value loyalty - that can hurt sometimes. It is like wearing our heart on our sleeve - it gets beat up by people pretty easily.

    I hope this helps and write again if I might be of more help or clarify what I have said if I misunderstood the fears.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde