Expert: Druideck - 12/19/2008

Question
Hi

I've been involved with my partner for 2 years. When I first met her she would binge drink every weekend, she tried a brief stint at AA, and is now in counselling. She binges about every 2-3 weeks now (usually on the weekends).  We dont live together, however her 'binges' affect me.  Her behaviour changes, she can become verbally abusive and has threatened to hit me when intoxicated, this is followed by tears and fear on her behalf, upset she's binged again.  The following morning she doesnt remember a lot of whats happened. She denies her verbal abuse (swearing, calling me names, threatening to hit me, treating me with contempt)... the next day, or so she will then turn it all around and blame me for her behaviour, bringing up past arguments (from 6mths ago)..I guess she does that to deflect accountability. She breaks up from me the day after her binge, name calls me (this is when she is hungover, and sober).. not a lot of remorse happens after that.. then, a week or two later after I have needed time out from the rship, she tries to re-engage, tries to start the honeymoon period again,  as if nothing has happened. I'm at a point where its the end of a new year, I cannot continue with this cycle of abuse, she's great when she's sober but I cannot afford to be brought down by this person every few weeks and then be blamed for her drinking, and abusive behaviour.

I've hung around because she says she wants to give up drinking, and needs my support.  However, as this has been going on for just over 2 years I really cant see anything changing.     I guess the fact that she's in counselling now, and her binges arent as regular (although 2-3 weeks is still a lot) she's trying, but then only 2 days ago she put herself in a situation where she was going to drink, and she was sober when she made that decision..

I know I can do anything to help her, im powerless, its now a matter of whether I remain in her life as a friend, with strong boundaries..

any suggestions?

thankyou for listening.

Answer
Liza,

I know it is difficult to end relationships
even when they are becoming quite toxic
to us. "Toxic" is the term used to describe
relationships that are not good for us
but we keep trying in the hope that
the other person will appreciate
our self-sacrifice.
They rarely do make the changes we hope for.
You partner sounds very addicted to alcohol
at this point. Recovery is based on alot
of things and is very personal. Every
person has their own ups and downs and
their own level of resistance to change.
I think you are doing well in your thoughts
about the relationship. Your partner
has much work to do and is still
in a fair amount of denial.
It takes some people a long time to
realize they can't drink and they
also have to give up blaming others
and making excuses for their drinking.
Things will be hard for her and it
may take much time for recovery
to reach the point where a relationship
is workable.
You have a few options, you can try
to distance yourself and remain friends.
You can severe ties with her until
she shows solid signs of recovery.
A few months sober at least.
You can totally let go and hope she recovers
then move on to make a happier and healthier
life for yourself.
You can not keep her sober or be her only
support. Like it or not many alcoholics
that recover spend some time in AA
to develop the tools for living sober.
Without help she will likely bounce
in and out of sobriety and her
situation may get worse.
You may be helping her more by giving
up on being there for her after
each binge. She may then seek
the support she really needs to
overcome her alcoholism.
You can also get support in Al-Anon
or counselling to see your
behaviour more clearly in response
to her drinking patterns.

Take care!