Expert: Clyde - 12/3/2008

Question
Hi Clyde,
I am in a relationship with an alcoholic that recently moved out of our home. He claimed it was to get sober. Unfortunately he relapsed many times. That was since July. It wasn't until he crossed the line with me 2 weeks ago, and wrote a terrible note to me. None of it true. Now, for 2 weeks he's been sober and says he's attending AA meetings about twice a week. We go out maybe once a week on a date sometimes twice. He looks miserable when he's out, yet tells me he's not and loves me very much.  The confusion in my life is that he's excluding me from his life. His friends and family.  When asked why, he can't give me an answer, and gets angry. Tells me I never leave him alone. When if fact I never see him. Maybe once a week for a few hours.  I basically see him on only his terms. I'm so confused about how to handle a situation like this. To walk away, or hang on. But I do know I'm not living my own life.  I do love him very much and he tells me the same. He seems to get angry very easily at me even when I'm upbeat and positive around him. But not at any one else.   I'm very confused if their are symptoms after someone stops drinking, and why I get all the anger directed at me? It's a very confusing time. I am attending Al Anon, but I haven't quite found any answers for myself. And with the holiday's it just keeps getting worse. I feel like I'm the one being left behind. I know it's probably nothing compared to most people's problem, but it does hurt quite a bit!!
Thanks,
Carolyn

Answer
Carolyn,

    Thank your for the explanation of the behaviors and for the questions.

    Sobriety is a confusing time for the recovering alcoholic especially with those who are not finding it possible to get sober and stay that way.  There is the rub for your confusion  - it is really his confusion that he makes you think is yours.

    That I think is the real crux of the matter.  Now, how to deal with it.  Just know that he is in a very different world as a sober person - he no longer has his very best friend to console him - alcohol. He had a love life with it and it is hard to accept the loss of that friendship is for good.  Death must take place.  Grief work is not easy but that is what he is facing.  He must work through four phases of grief - denial, bargaining, anger, and then acceptance.  Bottom line that is what the alcoholic first faces.

    Now, he doesn't know any of this right now.  He is too new to sobriety and it will take him some time to work the steps.  That is the heart of his recovery.  If he will get serious and get a sponsor and read the Big Book and WORK THE STEPS, then he has a chance to make it through life one day at a time for the rest of his life.

    I'd only be conjecturing but let me offer some possible explanation for his lashing out at you and making you feel like the problem person in the relationship.... He probably has guilt and shame and embarrassment about the way he has treated you in the past and he knows he will have to eventually acknowledge that and do something about changing his behavior permanently and making amends to you. Those things come in step four and step eight.  You see, he has a way to go.  He probably does love you and knows that in his heart but he can't find the way to convey it to you very well right now because he is sort of lost.

    Those are possibilities.

    Here is my suggestions to you.  Know first off that this is not about you - it is all about him.  You are probably doing very little wrong in the way you are trying to be a friend to him.  But also know that he is a sick person trying to get better. Maybe that will allay your confusion about why you feel like you are in the wrong.  It won't do any good to tell him any of this - just pick your esteem back up and know that you are OK.  Seek out understanding people in Alanon with whom you seem to click.  You'll need support and someone who will just be there to listen to you as you deal with his illness.  You may not find alanon particularly helpful unless you are willing to take a very serious look at yourself and work the same 12 steps as he is going to work.  I think the 12 steps are the thing that EVERYONE should be willing to embrace.  What a world we would live in if that were the case!!!

    Keep writing me and letting me know how things are going for you.  Ask questions or just "vent" and you'll get the hang of it.  If he is worth waiting for, then find these practical tools that allow you to be you and live your life apart from him when he isn't being particularly loving and he will eventually come around to more truth and honesty with you.

    I hope this helps.  It isn't you - its him.  Pray for him and give him all the compassion you can.  That might have to be done from a distance as he might not like the compassion at first.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde