Expert: Druideck - 12/30/2008

Question
QUESTION: Six months ago my husband started reducing his OCD medication and using Facebook. One woman in particular and they started talking more often. Talking on owned, then msm, then later onto texting and phoning. I had caught some of this activity going on and confronted him, but he said they were just having fun and were friends. At 1st he denied everything, he didn't know what I was talking about. He said he had stopped Facebook but things still weren't right, he was on the computer every chance he could and couldn't seem to stop. I eventually caught a text message on his phone from the same lady and confronted him. He said they were just friends joking around. We went to see his Doctor and set up an appt with a Marriage counselor. The relationship with this lady progress over 4 months until one day he just up and left home without telling me.  What I didn't know was that he had completely gone off his meds, cold turkey 2 weeks prior and started drink after 16 years. He had no idea what he was doing. With help, we eventually got him home and into the hospital. He was a complete mess.
He was in the hospital for about a couple of weeks and we talks about where to go from here. I told him that he needed to get his own place and we would have to start fresh. He hated what he had done and couldn't believe that he had done it. After 15 years, he was the last person that would ever start drinking again. The combination of going off his med’s and the attention of this lady made him do things that are very out of character for him. I never saw him drinking or even knew until he told me.
He got his own place when he got out of the hospital. We had talked and I told what it was going to take for us to work. He was in full agreement. He wanted his life and wife back. While I was away for the weekend he went to the house to get a few things and took all the all the alcohol. I called him and he said he had taken it out of spite. He had been drinking all week-end, even though we had talked and he was never going to drink again.   
A week later he booked himself into detox and then after two days out started drink again for a couple of weeks and then again into detox. As of yesterday he said he has been sober 3 weeks and attending meetings regularly. We have had a couple of dates and we were going to take baby steps to see where it takes us. Yesterday we went for coffee and he was in a mood. He said “I’m not sure what we are waiting for I was shocked, he has been understanding up till now and knows that this is going to take some time, but yesterday he was defensive and agitated.  When I got home I checked Facebook and he had activated his account again after promising he would never activated or go on again. Today I received a e-mail that said I have 19 days to find something else to do Xmas eve because it’s not going to be with him. (He had asked me over for Christmas Eve and he was making me supper). Is he drinking again......I don't know but I’m afraid he is. I can’t imagine my life without him, but I told him that I will not be with the man he has been the last five months. Aaahhh, what do I do? I still love him very much but will not ever put myself in that position again. The pain has been horrible.


ANSWER: Shilo,

I can understand you must feel very
confused but a person with drinking
problems or alcoholism can be
very unpredictable and the odds
are not good for it getting better soon.
His interest in this other women and
the drinking are signs that his
life is very much out of control right
now. Any aggreements or promises
you extract from him are not
going to mean much.
He is under the control of an illness
and a substance that he cannot
promise away.
His attempts at detox and meetings
are a start but I afraid he has to become
alot more committed to recovery before
it will have any lasting effects.
One bad step he is making is to become
involved with any relationship troubles
or new relationships. He needs neither
right now. Sobriety has to be number
one until he gains some months of
solid sobriety.
Working through problems in your relationship
right now will only increase his stress and
his desire to drink again.
His drinking is likely a life threatening
problem if he does not address recovery
seriously.
He may continue to drink and he may continue
to try to meet other women, this is something
he will have to decide for himself.
He has not proven to you that he is solidly sober
or trustworthy at this point.
All promises are off unless he has some drastic
changes in his life.
Drinking changes people and destroys love
and relationships. This is just a fact.
You have to be careful now of falling
for his convincing lies. He may not
intend to lie but he will not be able
to keep promises unless he sobers up.
Don't even ask him to promise or
guarantee anything or you
just set yourself up for another
disappointment.
Now you have to do what you need to do
for yourself and let him go so
he can sort out his troubled mind.
Maybe he will leave, maybe he will
sober up but it will still be his
decision how he wants to live and with whom.
When you feel like going on with him
remind yourself that he has lied many times
and you can't believe what he says right now.
Then decide if you want to keep this
game going or drop him until some serious
recovery has happened. If he is going to
keep lieing to you that is no
way to build trust as you know.
I suggest you strictly keep any rules
you set for yourself in regard to him.
You cannot let him disrespect you
by chasing other women online.
That is a sign you do not believe
you have value and are worth loving.
He is drinking and his behaviour
is not acceptable so maybe he is not
the person you loved anymore.
Take care and get some books
by Robin Norwood to read.
You need not be treated like this by any man.




































---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Your reply was extremely helpful. I have read it 4 times and will continue to read it to give me strength. You were right he was drinking again - he called and told me he slipped because he thought I was giving him an ultimatum at our last coffee date. I told him that his top priority should be Sobriety and everything else is parked - me and getting a job. I told him no more dates, no more calls but he continues to call to update me on his new recovery plan. My question is: Is it wrong for me to send him an e-mail asking him not to contact me for a least the next 2 months? I don't want to know how he is doing or talk about how many relapse a person can have or anything to do with alcoholism. I need to do what’s right for me and for him. Should I call or e-mail? I’m not very good at getting mad, not answering the phone or hanging up on him. Help! I need to do the right thing and sometimes I just don't know what that is.

ANSWER: Shilo,

It is never wrong to take care of yourself.
Go ahead and write down whatever you decide
to say to him. You can email or call
whichever feels most comfortable.
Don't let him fool you with stories about
people relapsing. Relapse is more likely
to happen when people are not ready for
sobriety. Once he commits himself
to recovery with no excuses he will not
likely relapse at all.
You are not responsible for him, he is an adult
or should be. Alcoholics are great manipulators
and you should remember he has lied before.
Let him know your plans and stick with the plan
you decide. Give yourself some time to think
about how he has treated you and what you
really want in your life in the future.

Take care.

Just a note: if you ask him not to call
and he keeps calling that is disrespectful
to you.
Let him know if he respects you
he will do as you ask and not as he
pleases.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Your advice has been extremely helpful...it gives me strength. I have stuck to my guns and told him no more contact, sobriety is his main concerns and anything to do with us is on park. This did not make him happy. He still calls once and a while and leaves messages on my phone. Now he's pulled another one, he left a message on my phone on Dec 19th and also talked to his daughter. Then as far as we can tell he took off to BC or Ontario or both to visit who knows (we have no friends there). He did not let any of his family know, his kids or his sponsor. He did call his parents on Christmas Day saying he couldn't make it home from BC and then on his way to Ontario. He told his mom the next time she sees him may be in a coffin. I have been frantic thinking he was dead in his apartment; he did not let anyone know he was leaving or where he was going. I received message on my phone yesterday so I a least know he's alive. My question - how long do I do this? The emotional stress is sucking the life out of me. I thought he would use this time to go to 50 meetings in 50 days as he told me. When do I say enough is enough? He wants to get back together but doesn’t put any effort into getting better. I'm at the end of my rope. I feeling he is intentionally sabotaging our marriage. The only reason he would be in another province is to see a girl he met on the internet. What kind of timeframe do I give this?

Answer
Shilo,

you owe him nothing from the way
he has treated you. Whether you
have contact or break it off is
your choice. You do not need
to respond to him or answer
any calls or worry and check
on him. He has apparently just
kept you around while he chases
other women.
I do not know everything about
you and him so can only
give you counsel on what
you have told me.
Let him go and stick to your
resolve that he seek help.
If you decide it is over then
refuse any contact with him.
He is just playing more games
and will drag you down with him.
If he calls you after you told
him not to he is not respecting your
wishes. He is just trying
to manipulate you to his will.
Just refuse to be involved and
if you are fed up move on to
bigger and better things.
His problems belong to him not
you. His sobriety is his responsibility.
You only have to care for yourself
and expect good treatment from others.
He will surely keep letting you down unless he
gets some solid months or years of
recovery in AA.
Let go and let him live as he likes.
You don't need a guy that cheats and
is disrespectful. Why bother?