Expert: Beverley Glazer - 12/11/2008

Question
Dear Beverly,
I left my boyfriend 2 months ago due to his chronic alcoholism. He would down 1/2 pint of jack a night and then come to bed and try to force himself on me and because I had to defend myself and wouldn't give in he'd fold  his arms over his chest stick out his lower lip turn over on his side with his back to me and donkey kick me and then, if hay weren't enough, mock me because I would be crying myself to sleep! I was raped when I was 19 and its like  he couldn't understand why I was so upset!  This happened on several occasions. He would also belittle me and make me feel like I was never smart enough. Yet when he was sober-he is a sweet, funny, charming and kind person that everyone loves. It totally blind sided me the first time I saw the other side of him! It has been especially hard and damaging to myself due to the fact that I also, up till this week, had to work with him directly.  One of my coworkers told me recently that he(my ex) got drunk at a company party, sweet talked a former receptionist and pinned her down and tried to rape her! That made me so sick!! I couldn't take trying to keep things cordial with him(he was my supervisor)in order not to piss him off and make it even more difficult there. He still won't get help and thinks I'm comming back to him and that I over reacted and went off the deep end by moving out. I have given up my independance, my livleyhood and feel so lost, hopeless, betrayed and sad especially since the economy sucks and I can't find a job that pays me enough to put a roof over my head! I don't think he feels any remorse or empathy because he has been asking my friends at work if they know why I quit.  I changed my number and deactivated his phone off my cell phone account. I am fortunate that my family has taken me in and is willing to financially support me if I need it, but I'm a 32 year old independant woman and because I can't support myself I feel like such a mooch! I just want to get on with my life.what is your advice and am I just being a little too impatient? I don't want to start a new job with all this raw emotion left unatended too. What do yo suggest?  Thanks!

Answer
Hi Paula,

Sounds like you were in an abusive relationship with that guy. An alcoholic will always blame the abuse on alcohol - not himself - but drunk or sober, no one should force you to have sex or belittle you in any way. This completely diminishes self esteem.

My site has more info on abusive relationships. This page may help you:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/abusive-relationship.html

It's great that you have a supportive family and you can get your life on track.  Don't blame yourself. You've been hurt and every day at work you're still subject to his verbal/psychological abuse.

This man won't change. He's trying to intimidate and malign you. You have to stand up for yourself - and you are, by changing your cell etc.  And he won't understand about the rape because he really doesn't care. Remember the 'nice' person when he's not drink, is the same person who is cruel when drunk - so he's really not a nice person.

Living with your parents at 32 is a strength right now, not a weakness. You're thinking of it as temporary. If you were going to make this a permanent living arrangement, then that would be a problem.

Keep looking for a new job - not easy, I know - but if your find one, get out ASAP. Stay strong. Your situation will eventually change because you're doing all the right things.

Thank you for writing AllExperts,
Keep in touch.

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com