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Addiction to Alcohol/what if ???
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QUESTION: Are all people only a hostage to an alcholic that they love? I don't live with this guy only date him have only 2 months of boyfriendship. Have not been affected by his problemb and other wise am happy to b with one of the best guys I have ever dated.but he is sick in the drinking n has seen latly how he is spiriling down with the money thing. He is not hurting me n I am a bull with him on all matters he is in love with me so basically hell jump through hoops. I wonder if I can stay for a bit n offer some sober words at times. I am happy with us. Am I off base???
ANSWER: Greetings to you, Jessy.
You have asked:
>> Are all people only a hostage to an alcoholic they love?
Not necessarily, but that does not guarantee no heartache ahead. For example, and as you have written:
>> but he is sick in the drinking n has seen lately how he is spiraling down with the money thing.
As time goes on, he will quite possibly be looking for you to begin providing for him if/when he has no place to live, and that will likely include bailing him out of jail, paying fines, buying more alcohol, doing his laundry and on and on.
You have written:
>> I am a bull with him on all matters he is in love with me so basically he’ll jump through hoops.
That kind of relationship is neither healthy nor good for either of you.
>> I wonder if I can stay for a bit n offer some sober words at times.
You are certainly free to do as you please, but he will not be able to make good use of any “sober words” until after he has come to a place of brokenness and is willing to accept the kind of help he needs.
>> I am happy with us. Am I off base???
Only if you believe there is anything of real value to be gained in the immediate future of the relationship as it presently is.
Please know you are always welcomed to write.
Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Well that was staunch with reality I feel u now ur coming in loud n clear. Ill run the other way for sure. I had such a nice time for a bit ill b sad for a while. N he was real cute. No use delaying the pain. Ill cut him loose asap. Big thanks to u- I get the he won't hear me thing now ...
Greetings again, Jessy.
You might consider leaving a copy of "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, behind if/when you go ...
"If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity. This advice is given for his family also. They should be patient, realizing they are dealing with a sick person.
"If there is any indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him ...
"... never force yourself upon him. Neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything, nor should they tell him much about you. They should wait for the end of his next drinking bout. You might place this book where he can see it in the interval. Here no specific rule can be given. The family must decide these things ..." (page 90)
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
Peace to you.
Joe
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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