Expert: Clyde - 2/24/2008

Question
QUESTION: Thank you for providing this service. We have friends that think it is normal to get together at least 3 times a week and drink heavily. These are people in their late 30's to early 40's. I have a real problem with the amounts they drink and the false sense of normalcy the ascribe to the situation. My father was an Alcoholic and my brother is as well, so I think I am possibly over sensitive to the issue. These are good people for the most part but I feel this need to tell them i disagree with their drinking habits. Is there a good way to address this issue without sounding condescending? My wife and I drink but only a few on any given day, and maybe a total of 5 or 6 drinks max in a weeks time. I genuinely like these people and would like to keep them as friends, but struggle with the situation. Best regards, David

ANSWER: David,
     Thank you for your question regarding this behavior.   It is good that you are taking notice of the tendency for some people to overindulge in drinking alcoholic beverages.   It is known that it does not really matter the amount one drinks to be alcoholic - it a really not a drinking game but a "thinking" thing.  Alcoholics exhibit a mental obsession with the drink first and then the physical dependency sets in later.
 
     That being said, these folks may never develop alcoholism.  They may simply be able to tolerate liquor better than most.  Do I believe that?  No, I do not but only an individual can decide whether they are having a problem with drinking.

     We say in Alcoholics Anonymous that we must learn to be tolerant of alcohol and we must accept the fact that some people can drink it with impunity.  I can not and I accept that my drinking crossed the line - I can no longer exercise my privilege to drink.

     My suggestion is this: Simply cut back on your drinking to a level where you are comfortable. Someone will undoubtedly question you on that decision.  Perhaps also pick up some pamphlets on alcoholism and study the signs so that you will be more versed in discussing this with those people.  These pamphlets can be obtained from a central off of AA in your area.  Take a look in the yellow pages for an address.

     Your decision to watch the line so that you do not cross it may just save the pain and suffering of some of your friends who do.  We simply have to respect others and bow out when morally we disagree with the situation.

     Hope this helps,

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Clyde,
We already exercise drinking in moderation. The people we know can not go without drinking. That is the crux of the issue. It controls them and they drink till they are obliterated. Surely there is an approach I can take to try to cut through the fog. Do you have any suggestions?
Best regards,
David

Answer
David,
     Thank you for the kind words regarding my helping out on this forum.  And thanks for the follow-up question.

      I can only convey my story to you regarding what I thought of someone trying to intervene in my drinking before I was willing to acknowledge I had a problem (I drank for 20 years but felt I had a problem for 15 of those years.  I was in denial, big time!)

      The story goes thusly:  One day, maybe three years before I got sober, my wife (now divorced) told me this, "Clyde, drinking is not recreational!" to which I adamantly exclaimed, "To hell it isn't; it's the one thing [I may have said, only thing] I enjoy!"  I remember being drunk on bourbon at the time, so it wasn't exactly the perfect time to confront me on the issue.

      The story continues: One night, about two years before I go sober, the Men's Group at our church had a Friday night dinner and invited an AA speaker to speak to us.  I was three sheets into the wind at the time and I remember thinking as he talked, "you poor *******, you poor alcoholic.  I feel so sorry for you."  Then I proceeded to gather up the pamphlets he had brought for anyone who wanted them and made a beeline for the truck to find the one sentence in them that showed me I was not an alcoholic.  As I read, I finished off the bourbon and cola that I had waiting for me in the truck.  I still, to this day, feel that the men in the group invited the AA speaker because of me.  They knew to confront me was not going to be of any use.

      I share those stories with you to help you understand that the alcoholic is more than likely always going to be in a state of denial and absolute fear of facing the question honestly.  I secretly grabbed the pamphlets and I secretly ascertained that they declared me non-alcoholic, all on my own. I would not, in a million years, ever ask someone what they thought of my drinking unless it was drinking buddy who drank like me.  See, I want the answer I want when I want it.

     As the the question, "is there some approach...", well, here is my best answer.  Go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and say that you have a desire to understand more about alcoholism (you don't have to say that you are an alcoholic) and ask the leader if they will take a group conscience to make the meeting an "open" meeting.  Open means that non-alcoholics are present so alcoholics are not sharing in an unsafe environment.   If they do, pose the question there as you have to me.  You are to the point and it will be a very good topic for the group.  Then listen to the experience, strength and hope offered by the people in the room.  This will give you even more insight into the crux of the matter with a drinker who drinks to oblivion.  If the group won't do it, go to another meeting which will.  It may take some doing.  Your Central Office can also point you to a normally "open" meeting but these tend to be speaker meetings and not topic meetings.

       You should be able to pick up on some suggestions, but short of your decision to stop drinking and set the example for your friends I am afraid you might simply have to bow out of their gatherings altogether.  It will be tough to grieve the loss of friends but may be better than making enemies by telling them how to live their lives.

       Hope this helps.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde