Expert: Rebos - 2/18/2008

Question
My business partner is also one of my dearest friends and he has a drinking problem.  He goes out many nights each week and his wife is a "provoker", which only makes it worse.  He has missed many days of work to sober up and fight with his wife, who exhibits classic codependent behaviors.  Before and even since I determined that his drinking problem was addictive, I have gone out for drinks with him.  Once I realized the extent of the problem, however, I always leave after a couple of drinks.  Sometimes, he functions perfectly fine for very long periods and then he suddenly spirals downward.  He had a recent downward spiral last week and I allowed his inappropriate behaviors to provoke inappropriate behaviors in me.  (I had a phone confrontation with his wife when I asked for her help in getting him to leave a bar.  She blew up at me and I was less than cordial).  He and I upset each other greatly and the next day, he threatened to kill himself.  I know that i am not the cause of his problems but i have reacted to it and I have enabled him by lying for him at work as well as drinking with him.  His wife blames me for his drinking and believes that I drink with him daily.  I do not drink daily (I often drink only once or twice a month) and I have only drank with him about once per month over the last 8 months after a bottom-hitting experience for him in August.  At that time, he blamed me and our working relationship for his problems which was not true--his grasp of reality was seriously askew.  This again is happening after last week.  His wife actually said to me that he is going to kill himself because I was a b---- to him.  (He did not kill himself and I am told through a mutual friend that he intends to seek help).  I am feeling very depressed because I want to help him and I do not want to accept the blame that he is casting upon me.  I know that these are classic behaviors.  What can/should I do for myself?

Answer

Good afternoon Mary and thank you for your question.

Based upon what you have written… first; under no circumstances should you continue to drink with your friend and partner… ever again! Second; don’t fault yourself for being human… that you were provoked into “flying off the handle” so to speak. I am not sure what your business relationship has become as a result of your partner’s drinking problem, however it is unfortunate that his wife has become involved. Not only is your partner in denial, but so is his wife, and there is nothing that you can do about it! I believe that when “you called him out” on his drinking problem that he became angry and embarrassed, and struck out at you in an alcoholic way. What else do you expect an alcoholic to do except to blame other people, places, and things for his situation? If you had to find out that he was going to seek help from a mutual friend he certainly must have an unfounded resentment towards you. If your partner/friend has not hit his bottom I doubt that he will stay sober for very long. With that being said I emphatically recommend that you start to attend Alanon meetings. It’s not that by you attending their meetings will get your friend sober… but you will learn that you are completely powerless over your partner’s alcoholism and that YOUR life has become unmanageable. That’s the bad news. The good news is that at Alanon meetings you will learn how to make your life manageable and guilt-free no matter how your relationship both friend and business-wise ends up. You may not be able to do anything about your friend’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information about the disease your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. If you do not have your local Alanon number call toll-free: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. Threatening and begging will not get him to stop doing what he cannot do on his own. Don't for one second think that your partner does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. I have one further recommendation for you and that is… never make any threat to him that you are not 100% willing to follow through with.

I am not sure if I have helped you with your situation. If I can be of further help please let me know. Thank you Rebos