Expert: Rebos - 2/15/2008

Question
Hello!  I have a son, 20 years old, who is an alcoholic.  He has been in a 2 month treatment program (via intervention by us and friends) and he was sober for a few months.  He relapsed and was in and out of AA.  He later did a 28-day program, recommended by a sponsor at that time and paid for by us.  At that facility they told us that he needed a dual focus program (alcohol and eating disorder) that they couldn't provide and recommended a facility in another state.  He reluctantly agreed to go there, but walked out after a day.  He lived in the streets, drank, and was eventually arrested for stealing.  He was out on probation and lived in a halfway house, and worked, but relapsed again after a couple of months.  He wound up, again, in the streets, this time during winter, and got frostbite on his feet.  He went to the hospital and then was accepted by another halfway house.  All of this involved many, many collect phone calls home and deposits on the halfway houses.  At the second facility he had to go to a meeting a day, have a sponsor and get a job.  He did everything.  He was making good money, paying his way, staying sober, and then after a month, he walked out, bought alcohol, and holed up in a hotel room.  After a few days he was arrested for violating parole and providing alcohol to a minor.  (Himself.)  He is in jail now, awaiting sentencing.  He says he wants to come home and live in our city and work the program here.  If we bring him home he will do anything we ask--like go to therapy.  I'm not sure if that makes sense.  I attend Alanon regularly and I have a sponsor.  She doesn't give me advice, but I know that the general feeling is that they have to figure stuff out on their own and that any assistance we give our qualifier means that we are keeping them from doing that for themselves.  I am afraid to have him in my house, as there is a big chance he will relapse again and we have a young son who would suffer.  My husband just wants him home as he is suffering greatly by not being able to see his son.  So my question is, should I facilitate my son's coming back to our city?  Should we try to find another dual focus treatment facility and insist he go there?  Should we just let him figure this one out?  He says he feels that with our support he could stay sober in our city, but not where he is, as he's been drunk in every corner of that town.  This sounds ridiculous to me--it seems like he knows what to do (meetings, sponsor) and if he can't do it there, with minimal distractions, why would it be any easier here?  I'm just not sure what to do at this point.  Of course there are many more details, but hopefully this will be enough info for the question.  I have read some of your previous answers, which were clear and thoughtful and hope you can help me sort this out.  Thanks in advance.


Answer
Good afternoon Gwenn and thank you for your question.

I am very sorry that your son has not responded to any sort of treatment to date. It seems as though your son is one of those poor unfortunates who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Your son is not at fault; he (and many others) seems to have been born that way where he is naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty. His chances for recovery are less than average. There is no easy or shortcut way of achieving sobriety without “a desire to stop drinking”! Remember, that your son may be looking for that easier shortcut way by having you believe that if he comes back home he will then be okay. He is presently between a rock and a hard place and he will do and say anything to get out of the jam that he is in. It is my opinion that if you get him out of his present trouble you will in a sense be buying him his next drink! It is also very important that you protect your younger son from his brother’s alcoholism. If he is old enough to attend Alateen meetings, they would take the mystery out of what is happening to his brother. Your son (the younger) may feel some guilt over the situation that his brother is in. Alateen will in any case help him! It’s unfortunate, but I would guess that your husband doesn’t go to Alanon.

I realize that your son is your flesh and blood, and it may appear that I don’t feel your pain… but I do! Remember that your son has not done anything to improve his situation, and as the saying goes… ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”! Keep going to Alanon, get involved with their twelve steps of recovery, Take a 4th and 5th step inventory, get active in your group, keep close to your sponsor and your Higher Power. I hope that I have somehow helped you. If there is anything further that I can do for you please do not hesitate to contact me again. Thank you Rebos