Expert: Clyde - 2/14/2008

Question

Thank you for this opportunity. My friend is an ACOA and a former alcoholic herself. She has been sober for 4 1/2 years and has done a great job staying sober.

She lives in Canada and I in the U.S. When we met we both lived in the U.S. She had just stopped drinking. I never knew her while she was drinking.  I have done alot to be supportive of her and I think she does her best to be a good frined to me. Still, there are some just basic ways of treating friends that seem to be completely absent. Simple things that I both give and receive in my other friendships with my girlfriends as well as with guy friends.

Here is the most recent thing which has brought me to write this email.  About two weeks ago I called my friend when I was having a very hard day.  It was super bowl day and, having hadsome very very close friends visit and leave down just a week before, I was feeling very sad about not having anyone to WATCH THE GAMe with. Of course it was not about the game at all.  I was missing my frineds who'd just left town and feeling sad.  All the game parties only served to reinforce my sadness. So, I called my friend and opened up to her about my feelings.  This was a significant risk as I am in the process of trying to rebuild trust in her after several very painful instances.  I believe she is trying to change and I am trying to demonstrate my forgiveness by showing that I still value her and even letting her in when I am feeling sad.  She was very niceto me on the phone and offered some good advice.  I asked her to call me sometime (Since i do most of the calling, as I having a calling plan that allows inexpensive calls to Canada).

She called two days later to ask how I was doing.  We talked for 5 -10 minutes about things related to this. Then she asked me exactly how one aspect of the day had gone.  I proceeded to give her a detailed answer sharing my experience with a painful part of the day.  AS I was finishing this I noticed that she was very cold and distant in her tone, as if she suddenly did not want to talk any more. So, I quickly asked her if she had to go.  She said yes.  It was so sudden so I asked what was wrong.  She "nothing- I just want to go."  I asked if I had talked too long. She said,"non- I just want to go." SO, I said goodbye, she said good-bye, and we hung up.

My phone has a timer on it - the entire call lasted 37 minutes.

After a 1/2 hour I called her and asked what was really going on. She said that it really bothers her when I talk for 15-20 minutes straight. It was exactly what she had said was not the problem.  

I was so surprised - she had supposedly called to check in on her friend who had been having a really hard day centered on missing friends and then she just got cold, and decided to end the call so abruptly with no explanation.  How do you treat your friends like that.

To be completely fair, she has said in the past that she does not like it when I talk for 15-20minutes about things going on with me.  So, I have been actively working on this.

Still, I don't understand it. It seems so out of context for our friendship as a whole.  I have spent so many hours walking with her through difficulties in relationships with her parents and other friends.  I have spent hours and hours with her in prayer for her life and her plans and her attempts to live free from the things that once ruled her.

Just 3 days before I called her to share my need I had done a big favor for her that she had asked of me that took a lot longer than 20 minutes - but I did it because that what all my friends do for eachother.

While she is out of the country all her mail comes here. I check it and pay her bills for her - I send the things that have to get to her right away up to her.  

I don't mind being helpful, but I do expect her to a more kind person.  Has she forgotten that even calling her to share my feelings was an attempt to take a risk in trusting her with my self again.  I've got great friends and most of us have been friends for a long long time. None of us treat each other this way.  I am not used to such selfishness.  It is as if the only thing on her mind during the call was how she happened to be feeling.

Friendship is not always convenient. not for me, not for anyone. So, listening to a friend who is hurting for 20 minutes is a very small way of saying, "I love you and you are worth the time."

This is merely the latest installment in an increasingly disappointing relationship.  She has just recently started attending a recovery group.  I suggested this to her 3 years ago but she thought that since she was not drinking anymore she did not have any major issues that required counseling. No she is struggling, one of her other friends has cut off their relationship and she is now getting help.

Lastly, my friend has started to do several things that show me that she is trying. There is a clear pattern that indicates that she is much more able to perform "acts of knidness" that do not involve any form of conversation.  She has a hard time talking about herself and a hard time when I talk about myself. you see, usually when I talk for 15 minutes it is after I have nasked her a series of sincere questions about herself and received only one word answers or "I don't know" answers.  I am very happy to listen to her but she does not often have answers to my questions. I do my best to focus my questions on things of interest to her - not to me. Still, she just has a hardtimecommunicating. So, I wrote her a friendship VAlentine's DAy card and I listed may of the 'acts of kindness" nwhich she has done in the last fewmonths that i appreciate so much.  I try to be an encourager but I have to be honest and teel you that she really arrogant.  She is so so self-righteous that smetines I think she is convveniently forgetting how much help she has been given by me and others.  

Self-righteous is the best and most accurate word I can use. How can you be so impatient with the person who so often listens to you no matter what to crisis and say that you don't like it when they talk about themselves for 15-20 minutes.

I read and article on characteristics of ACOA's this morning.  All I know is that my feelings are deeply hurt and I am sure that she feels her actions were appropriate.  She will not think that she should apologize. She will not bring it up. She feels justified and I am getting really tired.

Please help... Thank you, R.T.  

Answer
R.T.
   Thank you for the contact and for the detailed information on the situation.  It does sound lime there is a lot going on in this relationship.

    The first thing I pick up on is that your friend has been abstaining from alcohol for 4 1/2 years but has done little in the way of recovery.  It is more or less a "dry drunk" as the drinking has stopped but thinking and behaviors have gone on unchanged.  You have asked her over three years ago to go for some recovery. I am glad that she is taking the time and initiative to begin doing that. I hope she continues to do so.

    Your friend will learn many things about herself in recovery. If she is serious she will begin to be a new person and begin to really take a look at the way she interacts with friends and family.  But until this becomes a way of life for her, expect what you have been getting - a very selfish response from her.

    You are very hurt because you desperately want her to have some empathy for you.  That means essentially that she can put herself in your shoes for a while and really listen.  She may be a very narcissistic individual - or one who only can be interested in self.  Narcissists do not have empathetic feelings for anyone, hence, they do not want to listen to your problems or have you share your feelings with them.  Keep in mind, this may be the case. I am only conjecturing but it truly sounds like this may be happening.

    There are so many possibilities as to why she does not have more feelings of kindness for you or anyone else.  An ACOA has grown up in severe dysfunction and it takes time to come out from under the lie of the alcoholism.  This "ism" is so devastating and you are on the receiving end of it all.

    I hope she may even consider counseling to deal with her issues.

    But, that is enough about her.  As far as yourself, it may be time to ask yourself, "Why am I prone to remain so long in such a bland relationship?  Why am I willing to give up my life to hinge on this person who has not delivered for years?  What is it in me that says that I need to continue to do this?  Those are some simple yet hard questions. You will need to do some soul-searching on this one.

   My suggestion is this:  This person is not currently able to meet your needs so do not depend on her for those needs. Find other friends who can do this for you and simply leave this other person to themselves.  It does not mean to give them up as a friend but the relationship needs to change to one of mutuality only where there is some mutuality.

    Hope this helps,

Grace and Peace,

Clyde