Expert: Druideck - 2/12/2008

Question
Hello again,  two years ago, my brother had met with an accident (hit and run where he was hit) and as a result of this accident, his jaw and lots of teeth had broken and he had nearly died.  His jaw was rewired and he could not get his teeth repaired till the time his jaw was rewired. He lost his job because he was hospitalised for a long time.  While he was recovering, he met with another personal tragedy and alongside being jobless also became homeless.  Noone wants to hire a man without teeth and a wired jaw, I guess.  
As a result of this he was rebuked by his wife and her family.  He became immensely depressed and started losing interest in life.  He has started to drink heavily and talks about suicide.  He has no support system and has no family in India since his  family (his sister and mother) are in Canada.  My mother and I want to help him and give him support and guidance but he is so depressed and drinks every night and we are unable to get anything across to him over the phones.  Emails and letters go unanswered.   Here we are, mother and daughter, helpless, unable to give him any support.  Every time the phone rings, half the time I am expecting that someone is calling to tell me that something bad has happened to my brother.   He is immensely depressed and talks about ending his life.   I am very concerned for his life and health.  If  help does not reach him, he may do something that we all will regret as a family.  Is there anyway AADAC or a similar organisation here can help in extending help to him in India?  Anything that will help him...



I want to help my brother
Question   Hello
I have a 38 year old brother with some serious issues. He began drinking in his teens and has been an alcoholic since 18. He currently lives in India.  He has only one sibling and that is me and I live in Canada.  We don't have a father and my mom lives with me in Canada.  He is all alone in India and I love him dearly.  He has been spiralling down and our heart bleeds for him.  Unfortunately, due to family constraints we are unable to go back to India.  I have tried to get him help in India but he is not willing.  I know that if he was with us we would be able to pursuade him to get help and also provide him all the support he needed.  Can you help us by finding a way we can help him from here?

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Answer   Ro,

it is admirable to care for your brother's
welfare even though you are separated
by so much distance.

I am not familiar with the help
available to him in India but I imagine
there would be AA groups in some places.

Since you live so far away the only
help you could offer is possibly some
written material and of course your
support through phone, email or letters.

The nature of alcoholism is that
often people do not seek help
until things get very bad.

Protecting an alcoholic from the
consequences of his illness can
only prolong his condition.

Alcoholics often deny their problem
and can not be forced to seek help.
This is hard for loved ones to bear.
The desire to get help must come from
your brother alone.

Alcoholism cannot be controlled by
anyone and is an addictive process
which requires the person to do much
to help himself. If your brother
is not willing to seek help, you
must leave it mostly in god's hands.

I suggest sending him a Big Book
from Alcoholics Anonymous.
These are available from your local AA
or online at AA.
If he starts reading the solution he may
eventually be convinced to help himself.

Big Book is Online here for free:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Let him know if he wants to quit you
will be there for moral support.

Don't help him to be irresponsible
by sending money or things that
will make it easy for him to ignore
his behaviour and problems caused by drinking.

Too much help can just protect an alcoholic
from seeing what drinking is doing to them.
Sometimes when things get bad enough we
start to listen and seek help for ourself.
It is unfortunate that we need to often
hit bottom before we can be helped.

Also take good care of yourself and
if you need support try an Al-Anon
group, they have much experience with
the feelings you are having now.  

Answer
RO,


It is a very helpless feeling to
know your brother needs help
but seems to be refusing your
efforts to contact him.
Since he is in India, you can
only do so much to lend support.

I suggest that you maintain your
efforts to email or call him,
even if he does not reply.
AADAC is primarily involved in
drug counselling for local residents.

There are some agencies in India
that may be of some help if you
email or call them.

In some places the local police can
do a safety check on suicidal persons
and can help bring the person to an emergency room for further evaluation and safety.

I also suggest contacting some of these organizations:
They may be able to have someone check on him or
offer some free assistance if he is willing.

http://www.befriendersindia.org/
http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=India
http://www.addictionindia.org/tt-patient-information.htm
http://www.aagsoindia.org/location.htm
http://www.aagsoindia.org/contact.htm
http://www.aabangalore.com/

Don't blame yourself as accepting help is up
to your brother. He has to make the choice
to live and ask for help.
I know you want to help him but you can
only try and bless yourself for trying.
The results will be up to him.
If you offer help and he refuses it
is not the fault of you and your mother.
Do what you can but take care.