Expert: Rebos - 2/23/2008

Question
I have a husband that is a binge drinker. He only goes out once a night on the weekend which usually is a Friday and stays out drinking until 8am in the morning.  The only place that stays open all night is the casino so gambling is also thrown into the mix and I am not sure what he enjoys more. Each time he goes out he says it is only for an hour or two and then he stops answering the phone and doesn't come home until they stop serving him alcohol, he then will come home and drink bourbon and another beer until her passes out on the lounge. I then have to basically scream at him to go into the bedroom as we have a beautiful 4 mth baby that I don't want him to be around. He then will wake up and continue to drink beer as he is too hangover to have anything else. For the next two days he sleuths around the living room because his body can't take the abuse anymore. He then promises that he will never do it again and blah blah blah...I am so over this we have been married for 2 years and life could be great but he chooses to escape by using Alcohol and is in denial about his drinking problem. Because he doesn't drink every night he thinks that he doesn't have a problem. I have threatened leaving but with a new baby I just don't know how to handle the situation. It has now been going on for just over a year before that he was normal. I know a few things that may have set it off but we discuss them and he seems fine about those issues. We end up having the same conversations over and over and I just don't feel like we are getting anywhere. I know I married him for better or for worse but I am so bored and resentful of our relationship I don't know what to do? I can't talk with anyone about this because it is not a solution. I just want us to go back to the way we were but he continues to say he is happy and loves me more than anything. I think he is full of BS and if he loved me he would stop being such a selfish pig and be present in our relationship instead of checking in every now and then like e-mail! Please help....

Answer
Good morning Desperate Wife and thank you for your question.

Whether or not you intend to stay married to this man I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic husband in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to help your husband, by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to Alanon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to a program like AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, he is setting you up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life. Emotional pain is a very lonely experience. Do something good for yourself and go to Alanon. If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos