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Addiction to Alcohol/Husband runs away from marriage
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Question
Hi Joe,
My husband left Dec. 19. He said it didn't feel like his house. We married three years ago. I have adult children from previous marriage. My daughter (21) lives at home. My husband and my daughter started fighting over a dog she brought home. He left and went to stay with a friend. We made up, I got rid of the dog. Soon to follow, other arguments with between husband and daughter. She was doing things to him "on purpose" like closing the door so the cat couldn't get to litter box so he urinated on the floor which my husband had to clean up. He left again, claiming to love me but was done. He didn't feel like he had a home. He had lived with us all this time, helped fix it up, contributed to mortgage for a year, etc. He does drink quite a bit. I thought this would blow over. He ended up moving his stuff out over the next two weekends. He moved in with his mother. During one move he walked over to the neighbors and said goodbye it was nice knowing them. Needless to say, I am so confused. Who is this man? Has the alcohol changed him? He said he is a nice guy. Yet, told my daughter when she called to talk and work it out that she and my son had been a headache since he married me. She tried. He told her he didn't want to fix it. Here I am feeling like a fool. Any help?
Greetings to you, Gwen.
You have asked:
>> Who is this man?
I would have to know more about him and how he actually acted toward you to offer much of an answer there, but it looks to me like he is someone who was unable to meet the challenges that came along with his being viewed by your children as an intruder. And of course, knowing nothing of your family's history leaves me merely guessing as to your children possibly actually having those kinds of feelings about him.
>> Has the alcohol changed him?
>> He does drink quite a bit.
I would doubt the alcohol had actually changed him. Strictly speaking, that only happens when alcohol destroys brain tissue. However, his drinking might have aggravated certain troubles already within him and made them more apparent or outwardly objectionable.
>> He said it didn't feel like his house.
Well, it was not, and it appears he did not know how to deal with that.
>> My husband and my daughter started fighting ...
>> She was doing things to him "on purpose" ...
Even though your daughter should not have done that, the responsibility there was still his. We men have a lot to learn about proper headship, understanding and "taking the lead" within our homes.
>> He left again ...
>> He had lived with us all this time, helped ... contributed ...
>> I thought this would blow over.
>> Needless to say, I am so confused.
Maybe his intentions had been good, but he did not know how to carry them out or just "gave up" altogether.
>> Here I am feeling like a fool. Any help?
First, you are certainly not a fool:
-----
Fool, n. [Heb.] (Webster)
One who is destitute of reason or ability to understand; an idiot.
-----
Even if your husband is not actually an alcoholic, you might find folks at Al-Anon who can help you with some overall perspective. Or, maybe you and your children could ask a family counselor to help you take a look at what happened and offer suggestions. And of course, I would gladly try to help also. In my own experience, the Twelve Steps are good for absolutely anyone wanting to understand what makes us all tick and how to live at peace on the inside and with others around us.
Please know you are welcomed to write again,
Joe
leejosepho@hotmail.com
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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