Expert: Rebos - 2/8/2008

Question
My sister-in-law is an alcoholic who has been to rehab several times.  Last March, her house burned down, with smoking materials as the cause, according to the paper.  She tells everyone it was due to an electrical fire. She was then diagnosed with PTSD.  She misses work at least 30% of the time.  The problem is, she works at a family business with her younger sister and brother (my husband), in which my husband is the boss (and the youngest in the family).  My husband's father organized the business this way before he retired, giving my husband majority control.  In November, she had a seizure at work due to alcohol withdrawal and spent a week in intensive care.  She is not allowed to drive because of this.  She said she would get help talking to a counselor, but didn't want to go to rehab again.  She has not.  She now needs to rely on someone to pick her up for work, and has no qualms about asking everyone around her to cart her around.  My husband is in the position of always being the one that needs to confront her because he is her boss, and he hates having this roll. It is breaking my heart to see the pressure he is under.  His alcoholic sister never seems to have to account for her actions.  She misses weeks of work at a time and comes back to work as if nothing happened.  How should he/we behave toward her? Should she have to walk to work now (she only lives a few blocks away) instead of relying on everyone at work to take her everywhere?  I feel a lot of resentment toward her, because my husband is too kind to confront her constantly about every little thing.  Any advice?  Thanks for listening.

Answer
Good afternoon Stacey and thank you for your question.

Regarding your sister-in-law’s (sil) drinking; her going to a counselor tells me that she has no intention to stop drinking. She is still protecting her right to drink! In any case any worthwhile alcoholism counselor would make sure that in addition to his or her counseling sessions would require that your sil attends Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

I strongly suggest that you, your husband and his younger sister start to attend Alanon meetings. You have to learn how to not be the enablers that you have become. Every time you accept her unacceptable behavior you are in fact buying her, her next drink! If you don’t already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don’t know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “YOUR” unmanageable life as a result of your sil’s alcoholism. You will quickly be relieved to learn that there is hope for you, as others have who you will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to learning how to help you contend with your sil’s drinking you may (if you choose) also make many long lasting friendships. At the meetings you and your family will learn how to “say what you mean… mean what you say and… not be mean when you say it”. You will learn how to emotionally detach from your sil’s alcoholism… with love. You will also learn how to live “guilt free” when you find that you are not the problem but the victim. You will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that she has over your life. Alanon is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your sil you must first learn to help yourself. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone (friends, family, and employers etc) who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your sil’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your lives by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts to help will be a waste of time. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you choose not to go to Alanon the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable.

Your husband should contact your family attorney to learn what his rights are with regard to suspending her from all of her duties as an employee until she is sober and drug free for at least six months in a program like AA. If it becomes necessary (if possible) she may have to be fired. If your husband is the boss then he should start acting like the boss! As you stated she is only working 30% of the time anyway and the time that she is at work she undoubtedly is not giving 100% effort to the work at hand.

I hope that I have at least pointed you in the right direction. Thank you Rebos