Expert: Druideck - 2/2/2008

Question
My father has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember (I am 34)
 my mom finally divorced him she got the house and he lives in a RV he
stays about an hour from me.  He is the nicest man when he is sober,
but
is mean drunk.  He calls me and my mom when he is drinking and wants
to
argue and call names and so forth.  Do you have any suggestions on how
to deal with this?  Do I need to break our relationship?  I have two
young children that love him to death, but my four year old hears me
yelling at him on the phone.  I do not let him drink while he visits
us,
but he recently stayed for three months and I could smell the alcohol
on
him a couple times he knew I found out and would say sorry.  It is
putting a strain on my marrage my husband wanted him out a while I
ago,
but I couldn't do it.  He just left yesterday and started with the
phone
calls last night.  He also has tried to commit suicide twice.  The
first time he coded, but they saved him.  Okay, long enough ...any
help
would be greatly appreciated."


Answer
Lori,

there is no easy answer to deal with the
problem of alcoholism in a family member.
Has your father ever been in detox or
AA? Has he access to information about
alcoholism?

Many alcoholics deny the problem and
refuse to get help. This is part
of the illness and behaviours that
develop because of their drinking.

Often, the more help they get the longer
it takes for them to see the extent of
the damage their drinking problem is causing.

Most of us do not want to be unkind to
people especially our father or mothers.
Sometimes we accept behaviour which is
unacceptable or we try to minimize the
hurt it causes us. We hope it will just
go away.

Your father has had this problem for a long time
apparently. You have likely done all you can
for him but his illness and behaviour just
keeps going downhill.

Alcoholism is not your fault or your responsibility,
it is a terrible sickness of the body and mind.
You can not control it nor can your father,
but he can seek help through counselling,
treatment or AA meetings.

This is the part that is his responsibility and
all you can do is provide the information
he needs. You do not need to accept his
bad behaviour. Hang up the phone and refuse
to talk until he is sober.

You need to teach him what you will not accept.
This is best for him in the long run and
is not mean or anything to feel guilty about.

He needs to be treated as a man not an irresponsible
child. Don't let his illness drag down your
life or your families. He may or may not recover
but that choice has always been out there for him.