AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 29 years and am in recovery myself for 31 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Question I never thought I would one day find myself in a site like this, yet here i am. This is my story. About 15 years ago I met the man who I thought was the love of my life. One night, during the first few dates, he showed up at my apartment drunk. I've never been a drinker and was
disgusted by what I saw so I asked him never to return to my house in that state, since I had no time for alcoholics. For the next year I never saw him drunk again, and we married. About a year into the marriage he
gradually started drinking with his alcoholic sister, and things got out of hand a few times, but I kept thinking it was probably normal and I was just not being understanding. Sadly, over the following 6 years, the
drinking increased, his personality somehow altered and he became so cold, mean and withdrawn when not drinking, that some days I would go to the store myself and bring him a six-pack so that he would "act" normal(I know it was stupid but I didn't know how to deal with his behavior
at the time). 6 years later I couldn't handle it anymore. I told him I wanted out and we divorced. We remained best friends while I moved back to Europe (my home), but kept speaking often and I would fly back to visit him 2-3 times every year for the past 5 years. Every time I came
back, I noticed things had progressed in a bad way in his life. He was now drinking up to 30 cans of beer in one binge, doing crack,endangering his life and job, and behaving in manic ways most of the time. I kept telling him i loved him and accepted him but it was so painful to see what was goin on. He blamed the drinking and drug abuse on the divorce, which I don't really get cuz there would have been no divorce without the drinking issue, and a few months ago, he called me and told me he wanted me "OUT" of his life, cause having me in it was too painful, because he loved me too much. What he was really saying to me was that it was too time consuming to have to make "non-drinking" time available to speak to me once a week. He has turned his back on his dying father, has no friends left other than drug/drinking buddies, and to make things worse, he recently took my two cats (who were living with him since our divorce for logistical reasons) and euthanized them for no reason whatsoever. I do not have children but those cats were my life, and I do not seem to find it in my heart to forgive him for this. I could forgive his hurting me or anyone else who could do something about it, but these trusting beautiful creatures didn't have a prayer against his evil behavior. I love this man more than life itself, but I honestly cannot
"digest" this news (I found out just yesterday about my kitties). He won't allow me to see him and wrote to me saying that he euthanized them because they were extremely ill. A friend who watched what happened confirmed this was not true and that he did this cold-heartedly and for absolutely no reason, even though he had loved those animals as much as me.
I want to say to him that I cannot find it in my heart to forgive him, but I'm afraid that if I say those words to him (via email, since he won't let me see him) that I will cause him even more pain and regret,and that is not my objective. However, I feel that if I tell him I'm
sorry and that I forgive him, that I won't be really doing him any favors.
I have moved on with my life in other ways, but I am afraid the pain I carry inside will end up ruining the rest of my days, since the thought of him permeates every corner of my soul.
I am 39, he's 33. When I was a teenager I was a heroin addict and locked myself up in rehab for 3 years to clean up and have never touched it since then. I know addicts are different from one another but I think even at my worst i would have first killed myself before I ever
physically harmed another living being. I need to know how to express what i need to express without furthering his misery and I'm completely lost.
Please help me, if I don't find a way to forgive him this will destroy us both.
Answer Hello Mariam,
Thank you for your question; I know it must have been difficult to write. Your description of your ex-husband's behavior is unfortunately an example of the effects of alcoholism on a person's values and personality. The disease of alcoholism explains his behavior, but does not excuse it. There are a few points I will make that I hope will be helpful to you. First of all, an alcoholic will drink regardless of what you do and find excuses to do so (such as the divorce). So, I would not, if I were you, take responsibility for any of your ex-husband's behavior by thinking that telling him the truth will cause him pain that may cause him to drink. Indeed, I consider it a caring thing to tell an alcoholic how his drinking and behavior are inappropriate and hurtful. Not allowing the alcoholic to experience the natural consequences and pain from his alcoholic behaviors really just enables him to continue to drink and find excuses to do so. I suggest that telling him your honest reactions to his destruction of your cats and his other hurtful behaviors may help unburden you and may even help your ex-husband. At the least, you will have been honest with him.
In regard to your concern that the pain from this relationship and your difficulty with forgiving your ex-husband, I suggest that you consider attending some meetings of Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) where you can share your pain and learn tools to let go of the pain from this relationship. By the way, forgiving behaviors that have hurt you is not for your ex-husband's benefit, but for your own; forgiveness does not mean approval and does not mean setting aside your pain. Forgiveness is a process that takes time. I also suggest that the answer to the pain you have may be a spiritual one. If you have a relationship with God, a Higher Power, or other source of spiritual strength, you can seek support to work through your pain and ultimately turn the issues over to that source of spiritual strength. I often help individuals with these issues on my personal web site and see them flourish. Good luck.
Jan Williams
