Expert: Rebos - 2/1/2008

Question
I have a boyfriend who has a track record with alcoholism back to 13. He has help many times. Sometimes he believes his wild , violent, drunkiness when his was young was his mothers fault because when he came in drunk at 11-12am she would not go to work so she could make sure he did not sneak out. Then they would fight she would nag him and he would smash stuff in her house. I met him when I was 18 right after he got out of Abraxas a detention center. H ewent right back to drinking. When I met him he was getting drunk and fighting people smashin stuff. After a month he got put in jail for lookin threw people cars there was nothing to steal. Now sober he stresses over everything he does drunk.He also stresses about life, death, workin, everything he makes in to a bigger ordeal. His life is so stressful no one elses' is. it's like he thinks he was dealt a bad had in life. Now sober he is such a good funny guy sometime flipps out and has a temper. I don't know if thats just when he is craving the booze or if he just has an anger problem. Also he don't drink everyday it's more like binges. When he starts he don't want to stop. After he got out of jail we stayed to gether. and he put me threw alot of stress. He is controlling not to bad. he got worse and worse with verbal abuse. A 1 1/2 after we had a daughter. He went on a binge sometime 10 hrs or 5 or 24. Lost a job cuz of drinking basically. Mind you it was always because I fought with him!!!?? It was my fault. After 1 1/2 of drinkig on and off he quit cuz he puked blood.  He was sober for a Yr. and 1/2. then we had a 2nd daughter. I month after she was born he started drinkin again. Since then it on and off trouble. I'm sick of him quiting or losing jobs spending money we don't have. Verbal and treating to physically abuse me. Smashin stuff in the house, Bein loud when the kids are sleepin. He is threatin to kill me now. When he is drunk. The kids usually don't see any of this they are in bed. But it is the point. One day he says he has a problem the next he can control it. Now he has a job and he is trying to control it and drink 1-2 quarts after work. But I believe as soon as he is stressed out by something or has an exscuse he'll pull a big ripper. he basically put running for his quart of beer before us. He just got home from work had a quart in his hand and said he takin a  ride for that quart or two. tHEN HE WILL BE BACK. the problem is once he is drunk he don't want to quit. there is so much more I could explain. He also thinks cuz everyone else does it it's normal. I think he may have dual diagnosis. Because of his anxiety. Many times he told me he needs to drink to deal with life. Or he needs valuim or something. It's like he needs to be medicaded. he has like mood swing too. Like i don't know if alcohol can do that or could he have bi-polar.? I don't do anything even though I should take nerve pills. I come from 2 alcoholic parent who are dying from it. Well it's at the point where he has hurt me in so many ways I just want to leave. I'm sick of waiting for him to get better. He love me and these kids and with out us he will die. But I am fed up we have been together for 6 yrs. I just want to run away. I know what is right to do but it is so hard. I feel I need peoples opinions to help me do something. I sometimes feel I am wrong.?

Answer
Good morning Brandy and thank you for your question. Your first concern should be to protect your children from a father that may end up doing them harm! The odds are that if your boyfriend doesn’t stop drinking the children will have him as a role model and possibly end up like their father. He blaming his mother for his drinking problem is just an excuse for him to rationalize that he’s ok, and if everyone would just get off his back he would be alright. He has to learn to grow up and see what his life has become from his drinking problem.

Alcoholics like all addicts are in denial that they need help. Your boyfriend unfortunately must get to the point of “being sick and tired of being sick and tired” As long as you continue to be an enabler, in accepting his unacceptable behavior, then he will continue down the path that he is headed. . It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any “verbal” or physical abuse by him to you or the children should not be tolerated at all. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge (and use that knowledge effectively) about alcoholism and try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that have not turned into such a person. Never threaten your boyfriend unless you are willing to follow through with your threat. If you don’t follow through then you are in a sense “buying him” his next drink.

Whether or not you intend to stay with this man I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your boyfriend’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic husband in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to help him, by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to Alanon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work.

If I can be of further help please contact me again. Thank you Rebos