Expert: Druideck - 2/8/2008

Question
They have been together 2 years... he dosen't drink every nite but has finally admitted that he does have a problem. My daughter and I both knew this may be a problem as I myself got out of a 15 year nightmare with my X-husband.  I became as sick as my X and my children were protected as best as I could protect them but I know that I should have gone so much sooner.   My daughter is now asking her boyfriend to get help... his own grandmother is a sponsor with A/A and he does live with her and I am wondering if that is a start for him.  I know he wants to quit drinking (so as not to lose the relationship with my daughter) but my daughter continues to tell him that he has to do this for himself and not for anyone else.  She has basically told him that she emotionally will not go any further with her emotions until she sees that he is trying to work out a plan to help himself and that she sees that he is making gains from this plan.  He also has some financial problems, which she feels the alcohol has contributed too.  They did have plans on marrying each other within the next 3-4 years but my daughter is adamant that she does not want alcohol in her life, or for her children that may come out of this relationship.   I have tried to support her in that she is doing the right thing by waiting, but the big question is how long should the person wait to truly know if the man will stay sober.  My daughter does not drink and is supportive in every way.   Her ultimatim to him was to give him space to think and decide as well as space for herself to think and decide.   Do you have any suggestions as to what she should say to him to truly make him understand that alcohol is totally unacceptable in her relationship with him or anyone else.   Thank you so much for your time and congrats on your own sobriety.

Answer
Mary,

this is an odd situation but typical for people
involved with an active alcoholic,
by that I mean the alcoholic is reluctant to
get help so your daughter tries to help
him, you see their struggles and want to help
so you write me so I can also lend my assistance.

That is quite a chain of helpers! :)

Getting back to the questions, I think your daughter
is being very wise. If she has a specific plan
and sticks to it, perhaps things could work out.

Alcoholics as you know are very good at making
promises but unable to hold to them. This
is because they have lost the power of will or
choice because of the addiction.

Beware the power of alcoholism, sometimes people
get a start on sobriety and then relapse.
This can happen without warning but usually
means the alcoholic needs to work harder
on his recovery. Remember he can not control
alcoholism any more than you or I.
Recovery is a lifetime process that takes
committment and giving up all excuses for
drinking.

Tell your daughter his actions are most important
not his words. Also ultimatums won't work either
when the urge to drink comes. He will choose
drinking over love until he gets help.
His grandmother could be a good resource for him
as she knows what he needs to do.

Tell him what you plan to do in response to his
actions and then let go until you see some results.
If he is drinking openly or secretly, perhaps
he is not ready for a relationship or a program
of recovery yet.

This is a difficult situation for your daughter,
I wish you both to take care of yourselves
and let this young man make his own decision
to live sober. He is the one responsible for
what happens next.

I suggest at least 90 days of AA meetings and study of the twelve steps
of AA as the best course of a possible long recovery.
Al-Anon is a good place for families to get support.