Expert: Clyde - 2/24/2008

Question
QUESTION: My husband has been drinking for along time but this last 2 yrs he has done it too hard. We have lost 4 inv homes, hes max out our credit and spent all of our savings. We are going to loose our own shelter if he keeps going. He does not work or has the intention to look for a job. We have a 1 1/2 old son,Daniel, and have no medical insurance. I'm tired of fighting and come to my decision that I have to leave him if he doen't accept. I am hurting too much & my mental health is on the line. Tomorrow he's parents are taking him out of my home...they know what's goign on. How do I approach him? If he accepts that he needs help or that he will change should I give him conditions upon my help? For example, Should I tell him that for now on you are going to do things my way. We're going to go to the doctor, to a phycologist & to AA meetingts. Please help I'm in a lot of mental anguish. I have the guilt of giving up on him because I love him, he is the father of my son, he is a good person at heart & I feel that I have to at least try to get him help but I know that I can not do this alone nor do I have the time because of our son and we really don't have family to watch him. Please help me I need to know what to say and what to do before tomorrow at 2pm. Thank you in advance

ANSWER: Ivy,
    Thank you for sharing your heart about your desperate situation.  My heart goes out to you and your family as you are affected by this thing called alcoholism.  You are very right, he is a good person at heart but does bad behaviors under the influence of alcohol.  It is a disease and devastates so many lives.

    As I understand it, today at 2:00 PM he will be removed from your home by his parents; sort of an intervention into the dire situation.  Thank God someone has the fortitude to do that for a son.  It is devastating for them as well to have to deal with him.

    I am encouraged by your rational thinking and your determination to take the whole thing in another direction.  You are doing the right thing.  You are on the right track.  The pain and anguish are the two things that will make you feel guilty and question your decisions.  Those will pass and new emotions will arise.  It will be a roller coaster so get ready for the ride but know that there are people out there who have been where you are and will be willing to help you through this thing.  Those people are in the rooms of ALANON, the sister group to Alcoholics Anonymous, who will share their experience, strength and hope with you.  You'll get support and guidance should you choose to reach out to them.

    As far as your real question, I wanted to first offer some encouragement and strength to you.  It is not easy to do what you are about to do, but it must be done.  I suggest you be in prayer prior to the intervention asking only for God's words and the Spirit to be with you as you say them.  Try to be as loving as you can but do not back down on getting him out of the home.  This is needed for your sanity and to give you time to regroup and make some plans and decisions for your future and the future of your child.  Let him know that you love him but that the continued drinking is not acceptable behavior any longer and that you will not tolerate it any longer.  No if's and's or but's.  Done.  Make the exchange as quickly as possible, no real discussion needs to take place.  Also, try to make every effort to arrange for his personal effects that he will need in his new place to be removed as quickly as possible from your home. Minimize the need for physical contact with him by establishing his new place as completely as possible now.

     Once he is gone, take the time to enjoy the quietness of the moment. Plenty of emotions will flood your mind but you will have embarked on the new road to recovery for yourself.  His recovery may or may not be successful but remember - that is his problem not yours.

     I will be thinking of you and your family today as this takes place.  My heart goes out to you.  Let me know if I might be of nay further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Clide I thank you so very much and thank God for your work. Can you tell me facts about how alcohol affects the brain, memory and  health. I'm hoping that by gathering my self with knowledge I can also help him or hes parents. Also Hes parents are taking him today if he does not accept. Should I just skip the conversation with him and basically kick him out or should i first speak to him. I'm just so afraid because in the past he has promised before and keeps hes word for a week or max 3 weeks.

Answer
Ivy,
     Thank you for your follow-up.  I take it that you have perhaps put forward an ultimatum of change even with his remaining in the home (the words "if he does not accept" seem to say he has been given some choice). Perhaps I am not interpreting this correctly.

     The removal of him from the home, if it can be done successfully, is probably the next best step.  He needs to realize there are consequences to his bad behavior (the drinking) and this will begin that effort.  Consequences also need to be painful and take him to a place of desperation.  He needs to reach a "bottom" meaning he needs to reach a place where he is willing to see that more of the same is not going to work.  Alcoholics have to be driven to this point.

     The effects of alcohol on the human being is very far-reaching. It affects us physically, mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually.  Physically, our bodies are ravaged by the effects - nerves damaged, enzymes and hormones disrupted, metabolism impaired, all vital organs stressed (particularly the liver and kidneys), dehydration, headaches, ulcers, etc.  Such a large number of possible effects.  I can suggest a book to you entitled "Restore your Life" which details the physiological effects.

      Mentally, I am convinced, the effects of alcohol stunts our growth and our maturity.  That stunts not only our mental faculties but our emotional lives.  We don't know how to react or respond to anything, we numbed our feelings for so long we no longer know what feelings are.  

      It will do no good to talk to him about any of this.  It will take a long time for him to recover to a point that he will be able to begin to comprehend.  It is imperative that he decide, not you or anyone else, that he needs help.  He may do that but understand, that he may not.  Many alcoholics simply do not recover.  I know that sounds rather bleak but you have asked for some frank information on alcoholism.

      I would hope that his time away would give him some time to really get into a frame of mind to begin to explore his disease.  I would hope he will decide to attend AA meetings and dive into recovery with all his strength.  There is hope.

      The real crux of recovery, Ivy, is in becoming spiritually fit.  It means believing in something greater than one's self.  The alcoholic caught in the disease does have a "Higher Power" and it is their best friend - alcohol.  Unfortunately, that friend turns on them and they are left in a very precarious position.  We say in AA that we find a Higher Power greater than ourselves to replace alcohol.  You will be quite amazed at the new person he becomes if he reaches the point of desperation required.

      Hope this helps.

Grace and peace,
Clyde