Expert: Druideck - 2/9/2008

Question
Hi Todd, i guess i have to start from the start. I left my common law husband of 15 years a little over 3 years ago due to his heavy alcoholism and all the violece and pain that went along with it. I did not want to because i loved him very much but felt i had to for my self as well as my kids( one with him and one that he helped me raise since she was 3). The following two years my ex would call me and tell me he loved me and the kids all the time and that he would get him self togather but his actions were to get drunk every day. He would not have a relationship with the kids he said it hurt to much. I was left to do every thing for the kids. A year ago he met someone and two weeks later he moved in with her, from what i hear she isnt a heavy drinker. My ex started to act very cold and calus towards me instantly which broke my heart, i was always good to him! He wouldnt come to my sons baseball games he said he couldnt see me with my new boyfriend yet. But he did start to call my son again and says he wants a relationship with him but only wants my son to come to there trailer and visit, he doesnt take him to the movies or go bowling or any thing else with him. My ex married this women recently after less than a year of dating and has told me that he no longier feels bad for what he did to us and that he is no longier an alcoholic, that he is able to drink now with out getting drunk. He says he cant remember the last time that he was drunk. He told me recently that he was probley never an acoholic that he got drunk like that and did the things he did becauce i wouldnt let him drink. This is breaking my heart that after all i was through with him and all our years togather that he could stop loving me with a snap of the fingers. I am getting counciling and trying to work through this but my heart will not stop hurting! my theropist says i have some thing like post tramdic sysdrome. Could you give me your honest thoughts on this. Do you beleive that he could stop loving me so quickly? Do you beleive that he could go from being a huge alcoholic for 10 years to being able to drink with out getting drunk now?

Answer
Hi Michele,

just wanted to give you a comment
on your question.

It sounds like you are having a hard time
moving on since your ex left.
We all likely wish that relationships could
work out perfectly but that is not the case
especially when alcohol abuse is involved.

Being involved with an alcoholic often
makes people develop unhealthy behaviours
in response to the behaviour of the alcoholic.

Things can get distorted very much for us
unless we see what is happening and change
our behaviour.

Often we confuse pity for love, or
even translate violence into caring.
Another thing is being obscessed with
the alcoholics choices and behaviours
even when he is long gone.

You have been apart from your ex for many
years and still he dominates your life.
He has moved out, remarried and now
has a new life. He may covering up
his alcoholism but who knows?

It is normal to grieve the loss of
someone we care about.
It takes time to heal and see them as they
are now.

You ex often spoke words of love to you,
but his actions do not seem to
prove that love.

Alcoholics are not very capable of
really loving someone as they are
very ill and often are not very honest.

They tend to slide backwards in
their mental, emotional and spirtual life.
They say the words but it is the actions
that mean the most in the long run.

I know it hurts to feel unloved or
betrayed in love.
Your course now must be to bless him and let go
of him and be open for a new more mature love
relationship. Be open to more healthy men
and treat yourself well.

I highly recommend Robin Norwood's books
on "Women that love too much"
Very, very good books on these problems.
Available online at Amazon etc.