Expert: Rebos - 2/11/2008

Question
I really don't know what to do.  I have been with my girlfriend for over 6 years.  She has been helping me raise my son who's ten.  She knows she has a problem but isn't doing anything about it.  I've talked with her about many times and she gets defensive and often says she wouldn't be drinking so much if I didn't stress her so.  So also states that it helps her fall asleep.  I feel like I'm losing her. Here's a quick back ground... I stated before that we have been together more than 6 years in that time she has always been a bartender and in that time there is only one 14 day period that I can recall that she hasn't had something to drink every night.  She will stop by the liquor store on her way to work to make sure she has enough to drink when she gets out.  She doesn't know when to stop and often drinks until she passes out.  I know this all sounds bad but she doesn't drink when my son is awake.  She works late nights and I have to be up early so we only get to spend time with one another 2 or 3 nights a week.  Like I said before she knows she has a problem so what can I do to help her.
  The 14 day period that she didn't drink she was trying, but I think it had a lot to do with the fact that she had got a BS DUI and was on probation and had to go to AA.  When I say a BS DUI it's because it was she had been drinking the night before and got pull over in the morning after she had got some rest a was sober.  At least that how I felt and I was with her and let her drive.  I not saying this in her defense I saying it because since it was rather a BS charge, I really did sink in, you know.  Anyway after probation there was no AA. What should I do???

Answer
Good morning Mike and thank you for your question. You wrote that you feel like “you are losing” your girlfriend… I believe that you have already lost her to the disease of alcoholism! You may think that she got a BS DUI, but it “could” have been a turning point towards her recovery if she continued to go to AA! To be blunt about “what can you do to help her”… there is very little that you can do unless she wants to stop, and you say that she doesn’t want to stop, that it helps her to fall asleep. I can’t imagine the negative effect that her drinking is having on your ten year old son.

The only thing that I can suggest is that you start going to Alanon meetings. . If you don’t already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don’t know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “YOUR” unmanageable life as a result of your girlfriend’s alcoholism. Alanon is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your girlfriend you must first learn to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts to help will be a waste of time. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you choose not to go to Alanon the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by your girlfriend in order for her to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before she will have to drink again. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. The alcoholic can get of at any floor they want to. There is no need for her to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! There can be no let up, not even for a moment!

I seems as though you may have become an "enabler", and I hope that you are not staying with her because she takes care of your son. If she is correct that you are causing her stress, maybe you should be enrolling your son in an after-school program that will supervise him until you get home from work. It will be one less excuse that your girlfriend will have to continue drinking. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior. Making “excuses” for the alcoholic has to be stopped in order for the alcoholic to pay the price for drinking. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time the enabler gets the alcoholic out of a jam, or in any way allows the person to get away with being irresponsible, they are really buying the alcoholic their next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have victims and they will take hostages as long as they can get away with it.

She’s “gottawanna” stop drinking in order for anything to work! She may need professional help at a detoxification clinic, where the process of withdrawal is closely monitored 24 hours a day until the danger of seizures or a heart attack pass. After a detoxification period and some in house counseling at the detox, or even a long-term halfway house may be what she will need. Eventually it would be wise for her to enter some type of recovery program, like Alcoholics Anonymous. They will welcome her with open arms. In AA “if she is really serious” about staying stopped they can help. She will stay sober for only as long as she wants to. I guarantee that if she wants to stay stopped and change her life for the better, AA will absolutely be able to help. Sobriety is not a one shot deal it is a lifetime proposition of hard work, persistence, discipline and achieving some level of humility. It won’t be easy for her but it will be worth it. AA works for those who want it to work. Your girlfriend is not unique many others who have been given up on... have gotten sober and have led full and productive lives. Unfortunately recovery programs and sobriety is not for people who need it, but for people who want it.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your girlfriend on the shoulder and make her “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until she gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon and seriously consider what I have stated above. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt her feelings by letting her know the TRUTH as to how you feel about her drinking. When you do talk to her “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”! Don’t ever make any threats to her that you are not 100% willing to carry through with.

If there is anything further that I can do for you please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you, Rebos.