Expert: Rebos - 2/21/2008

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend of over a year -- and who has had almost a year sobriety, has just experienced his second relapse in a 2 month period. He's having a hard time getting back to where he was a few months ago. The first re-lapse was slow and took awhile to come to a head. This second time (after 2 1/2 months sobriety), came to a head quickly.

My question -- I love him dearly and he is a good man. He is working on maintaining his sobriety. Am I helping him by staying by his side during this time, or am I enabling him?
Incidentally -- we live 400 miles apart and see each other approximately once a month, though not a day passes that we don't talk to each other.
Our situation with our kids could possibly keep us apart for a few more years -- but we are/were planning a life together.  
I love him - but I don't want to enable him. Do I need to practice tough love and step away?

Anxiously pondering --
KC

ANSWER: Good morning Casey and thank you for your question. I will assume that your boyfriend is going to Alcoholics Anonymous to achieve his sobriety, and they say 75% of those who try it have slips. If your boyfriend is trying to get sober on his own then my experience tells me that his chances to remain sober for the long haul (one day at a time) are nil.  If he attends meetings every day, has a sponsor, joins a group, attends 12 step meetings and asks a Power greater than himself for help… Then he will make it! It’s quite usual for a newcomer to sobriety to be told by his sponsor that he should not get involved in any relationships for at least 1 year, since emotional entanglements will interfere with his sobriety. He has got to spend all his spare time at working on his sobriety, however, since you are 400 miles apart AS LONG AS HE DILIGENLY WORK ON HIS RECOVERY he should be okay. As they say in AA “half measures will avail him nothing”. Of course your boyfriend is a “good man”, but you have to remember that he is a sick man! It is said that long distance relationships rarely work out, but if you say that you will be apart for a few years… I hope that if he doesn’t get sober by that time (he should have at least three years to work on himself) that you WILL NOT get yourself tied to a drunk! You owe it to your child (ren) to not get them involved… just because you love him.

Rather than you practicing tough love on your own… you owe it to your relationship to start going to Alanon meetings. Until you are armed with the right kind of information about the disease your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. If you do not have your local Alanon number call toll-free: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If I can be of further help please let me know. Thank you Rebos


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you --

Sometimes it's hard on me because I feel like I'm alone in our relationship. I know he is no good unless he is sober and that he must devote his time to that (and his kids). I have a hard time dealing with only seeing him once a month.  I suppose it's unreasonable to ask for more from him? Or us? The first 6 months of our relationship was sooo good -- healthy, and he was strong in his sobriety. We seemed more balanced.
I don't want to stress him out with "us."  I will attend al-anon meetings -- and I pray our relationship can make it. How long should I wait before expecting time/effort into "us"?

Answer
Good morning Casey and thank you for your follow-up question. I am going to assume that your boyfriend is going to AA… if he is not or he stops going then if I were you I would stop the relationship before it goes too far, unless your are looking for a lifetime of grief and misery! If he is going to AA in my earlier answer to you; if he attends meetings every day, has a sponsor, joins a group, attends 12 step meetings and asks a Power greater than himself for help… Then he will make it! It’s quite usual for a newcomer to sobriety to be told by his sponsor that he should not get involved in any relationships for at least 1 year, since emotional entanglements may interfere with his sobriety. By the way if your boyfriend is not going to Alcoholics Anonymous then your boyfriend saying that he will stop drinking is not worth anything, because he is not facing up to the root cause of his drinking. Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. AA is the place where he will find the answer to his drinking. Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unless your boyfriend “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, (and may even admit that they are alcoholics) but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Even putting them away against their will, will not get them to stop doing what they have not made up their own minds to do. Don't think that your boyfriend does not want to stop drinking permanently… he can't stop when left to his own devices. It's not that he purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he would be afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking permanently on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. What ever you do NEVER make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with, because then you will become an enabler! An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own.

Generally alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you and your child with him.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud our ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through it. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength.

I’ve been around the block for a long time and aside from your boyfriend’s alcoholism the fact that you see him only 12 times a year that you don’t really know him. I recommend that when the time is right for you to get together that you just date him and don’t live with him for a full year before you make any commitment or burn your bridges where you presently reside.

I hope that I have helped you. If there are any further questions that you may have, please contact me again. Thank you Rebos